Margin is the space between our load and our limits. It is the amount allowed beyond that which is needed. It is something held in reserve for contingencies or unanticipated situations. Margin is the gap between rest and exhaustion, the space between breathing freely and suffocating.
I stumbled across this and it hit me right in the heart.
We’ve all heard the term “having a boundary.” In fact, these days it common lingo when it comes to self care. Several years ago a dear friend of mine talked to me about the word boundaries versus margins. A boundary is something that keeps someone or certain things away from you. Whereas, a margin is what you choose to allow in.
We need boundaries to obviously keep away things that are dangerous to us or could be harmful. We need boundaries to keep toxic people away from us. We need boundaries around our personal and work time. Those are important things for sure. But I’m really looking at the difference between what I protect and keep away, to what I invite and allow in.
What I choose to put inside my margins feels empowering unlike a boundary which feels harsh and cold.
As I begin this new year with seeking equanimity in my life, I’m really paying close attention to what I put inside the margins. As a person who gives so much all the time, I’m learning to give to myself a little, too. Over the last year, I really learned to listen to the things in my life that feed me or drain me. My intention is never to hurt someone while navigating these margins. It can be challenging as I tend to put others needs first. The chronic people pleaser syndrome. I’m committed to putting me a little higher on the pleasing list.
In order to be deliberate with my time and energy, I’ve first identified a few key things. I needed to be really clear as to what drains me and what feeds me.
The things that drain me:
- People. I say that with a hint of joking and quite a bit of truth. Considering that I am with people all day every day and again when I get home I’m with more people, it is imperative that I learn to listen to how much people can drain me. If given a choice to be alone or with people, it’s 99% certain that I’m going to choose to be alone.
- Mindlessly walking through a department store for the sake of shopping. If I don’t know exactly what I need, there’s no way I’m going to walk into a store just to look. In fact, most of my shopping is done online. I have no interest in being in stores just to kill time.
- Soending time in crowded places, unless it’s a crowded coffee shop by myself. Again, partially joking here and a lot of truth. I love being in a crowded coffee shop if I’m by myself. Are we getting a theme here?
- Loud and noisy places with lots of people. I’m not a huge fan of crowded spaces and I definitely don’t like to just be in a group of people for no purpose.
- Loud music. Loud people. Loud environments.
The things that feed me:
- Being alone.
- Setting goals and creating action plans.
- Making sourdough bread.
- Spending time in my garden.
- Long, solitary walks.
- A jigsaw puzzle that allows my mind to wander.
Before saying yes to anything these days, I am learning to stop and ask myself the following—
- Does the serve me today?
- Will this feed me or drain me?
- Am I saying yes to please someone else?
- Does this feel good to me?
Margin is the space between load and limit. It is the amount allowed beyond that which is needed.
If it’s going to push me past my limit, then it’s a no. I’m trying really hard to recognize when my load is full and not add on anything that would break that limit. As I do things that feed me, my load reduces and I have space for more. Tuning inward to myself is key, then listening, and then choosing wisely.
Selfish? Maybe.
Radical self care? Absolutely.
