lessons

Losing and Lessons

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It is fair to say that every human on the planet has lost something or someone. We have all had events or people in our lives that invited us to feel loss. For some it has been the actual loss of a person, or perhaps the loss of an opportunity, or even the loss of a dream.

For this past month or so I have circled back as I do so often every year around my daughter’s birthday. In my own process of evolving and working to be the best version of myself that I can be, I have given myself permission to feel anything and everything when it comes to her birthday. For years I stuffed the emotions that I thought some might see as an ungrateful and resentful mom. I have since learned that nobody’s opinion really matters when it comes to how I feel, as my feelings are valid and real, regardless of what they are. I am able to now openly share with myself and others that there is indeed a loss when it comes to her. She was born this little perfect sweet little baby girl but within a few years was identified with multiple developmental disabilities and the reality that my relationship with my only daughter was not going to be that of my friends you had a “typical” daughter. I was not going to have (easily) conversations and mother daughter outings. Instead, I would forever be her mode of transportation and decision maker. I would not be helping her to plan her dream wedding, but instead I would be planning where she would live when I am too old to care for her. I wouldn’t be celebrating her college degree and career path but instead finding appropriate day programs for her to feel some resemblance of purpose and meaning in her life.

That is a huge loss.

Through the process of my wakeup years ago, I realized that within the loss is a great lesson.

I am now able to see all that I have gained. I have taken the loss and created something amazing and powerful through the lesson of acceptance and grace. You can hear my whole story here on this awesome podcast. I chose to accept and do something with this amazing gift I was given, through her and as her.

The point is the lesson I have learned was that life doesn’t always give us what we may see as the ideal, but if we open our hearts to seeing the lesson, it may just rock your world.

When my children’s father died in 2014 I experienced another huge life changing lesson through the process of loss. I had already lost him in many ways as we divorced when things got too much for him related to our daughter and the vastness of what our life had become. To be completely honest, he wasn’t the greatest dad and he definitely was not able to show up for himself, or the kids, however I was willing to see the lesson in his unfortunate death. One of the greatest days in my life as a mom was witnessing my boys show up for him, regardless of his inability to show up for them. You can read about that pivotal day in my life here.

When he died, he was alone. He had made decisions in the last year of his life that prompted his last few days to be that where he was not surrounded by anyone as he transitioned. The painful reality of his last few years was just too much for my kids once they had said their beautiful goodbye days before, and he was estranged from his friends and family.

That was a big loss. Not just for him, but for my children, and in a way myself.

The lesson I learned from that loss has become a huge part of my life and service work. Within a few months of his death, I had a mystical and powerful yearning to volunteer in hospice. I woke one morning from a deep sleep knowing that I had to serve those dying and that nobody should die alone. I also had another deliberate truth that my service would be rubbing people’s feet while they were making their journey. I am not even a foot person! But, I knew it was what I had to do. So I did.

This week, one of my yoga students whom I have been spending time with every two weeks fell gravely ill and when I arrived at his group home I was told he was intubated and in the ICU. Due to his previous injures our yoga sessions are essential me rubbing his feet and moving his paralyzed limbs. When I heard about his his current condition, it didn’t not occur to me to NOT go. I jumped in my car and off I went with my magic hands and open heart.

The smells of an ICU and the sensory overload within the space can easily overtake you, if you allow it. Tubes. Alarms. Machines. So much to be distracted by.

I walked in and he was awake but obviously unable to speak. I grabbed is hand and watched as his eyes twinkled with recognition. I did my thing and when I went to say goodbye a single tear fell from his eye.

All alone.

The lesson of acceptance and regardless-of-what-someone-did-or-didn’t-do-you-show-up came from those two losses in my life. I know with every fiber of my being that had my girl been born not as she was and had their father not been who he was and not died the way that he did, I would not have been there for my student, and the countless other strangers who I have had the honor to rub their feet.

I know that.

Loss? Yes, for sure.

Lesson? Absolutely.

Aligning Your Thoughts with Your Actions

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The month of March has been historically a month when where major changes occur in my own life. As I look back I see that I started the wakeup of my life that I refer to so often, I took my first Yoga class, did my first Yoga teacher training, taught my first Yoga class, and hosted my first community inclusion Yoga class where able bodied people practiced along side people in wheelchairs and other disabilities all in the month of March. You can see something fiery happens to me during the month of March and magic really starts to happen.

About seventeen years ago I woke up exhausted again and said to myself, “I am done being fat”.  I literally heard the words “I am done”. I had lived with extra weight since my first pregnancy when I was eighteen years old.  Within just four years of my first kiddo, I had three little babies and a bunch of added pounds.  I was fully investing in being a momma and unfortunately at that time I had no idea that not investing in myself was actually a disservice to them.

Carrying the extra weight also meant that I was clearly eating foods that were not the healthiest and I was doing no exercise or self-care at all. I had every excuse in the world as to why I was unable to lose weight; healthy food costs so much, I don’t have time, I am too busy, I can’t afford a gym, etc.

Clearly my mind, body and spirit were so disconnected.  I was so lost.

The day in March that I woke up and decided that I was done was in alignment with the world around me where spring was just beginning. When I think back of that time, I realize that I too was in a rebirthing or awakening from a dark and long slumber. I was beginning the journey of my own form of blossoming.

My plan consisted of many things but the foundation of it all began not with the outer or my physical body, but instead it started with cleaning up my inner world.  My thoughts.

My first course of action was that I chose to wake up one hour earlier each morning and start my day with quiet, contemplative reading.  I journaled every single morning.  My journal entries at that time were not a recount of my day or diary-like at all, instead I wrote affirmative statements such as “I am worth it”.  I also wrote down all that I was grateful for in the present, and all that I was grateful for that was coming to me.  It was something like this: “I am grateful for the food I have chosen to eat.  I am grateful for my healthy body”. The quiet and contemplative time was like a drink of cold water on a hot day; refreshing, awakening and invigorating.

The time spent still and quiet each morning began to stoke my inner fire of mindfulness.  As I became more aware of my thoughts and was purposeful for those sixty minutes, I began to train my brain to be more aware of my thoughts throughout the day.  I began to notice when my thoughts would shift to lack or negativity and I would immediately pause to reframe them to something that was positive, and true. I found that many times I was attaching myself to a made up story or a future based fear.  For example, when my thoughts were something like, “I am so heavy….I am a pig…..I can’t afford that…..I wouldn’t look good in that…..I am broke…..I am a mess”, I would stop and tell myself that all of that was a story and the truth was/is “I am worth it….I have plenty of money….I am beautiful….I am amazing….”

Once I began to remove the heavy and sludge-filled thoughts that were literally weighing me down, I became more deliberate in my actions.  Through the act of being mindful, I interrupted the patterns that were contributing to my extra weight and replaced those actions with healthier ones:

  • My walking shoes were placed on the steps that went from my garage to my house and every day when I came home from work and before ANYTHING, I slipped on my shoes and walked 40 minutes.
  • The dog’s leash was set out and every morning–rain or shine–I walked my dogs 40 minutes before work.  I slept less but as I moved more, my body was less fatigued and required less sleep that ended up actually being more restorative.
  • The kids snacks were put in the cabinet above the fridge so it literally took a step stool to get to them.  The extra work allowed time for me to really think about how much I wanted/needed cheetos.
  • Instead of going straight to the kitchen when I got done walking, I went straight to the bathtub.  Not only did this give me a self-care ritual, it interrupted a pattern of snacking before dinner.  By the time I got out of my bath, it was time to cook and I eliminated extra calories in mindless snacking.
  • I used small salad plates for every meal which tricked my brain into thinking I was eating more.
  • I taught the kids how to wash and load their own dishes because I was eating thousands of calories in leftover chicken nuggets and fries after I just ate my dinner.
  • I invested in measuring cups and a food scale.  I did this deliberately for a short time so that I would be more intentional with my choices.
  • I logged EVERY single calorie that passed through my lips.  I did this for two and a half years!  Eventually that was an obsession that I had to let go of because it was getting in the way of joy and pleasure with food, but for the time,  I needed to learn just how much food I was over-eating.  Portions and extra wasted calories were out of control.
  • I started to love who I was.  I became passionate about ME.  I was investing in myself and the results were astounding.  I was happier, my relationships improved and my life began to be incredibly vibrant.

When asked how I did it, my answer is this:  I woke up.  I opened my eyes to my life and I said yes to me.  I cleaned up my inner world of thoughts and as a result my actions became more deliberate.  I began to see my self-worth and choose to love myself by honoring my thoughts and actions. You see, it was not a crazy diet that was restrictive or extreme and I wasn’t killing myself at the gym (although that did come later and had its own set of deep lessons).  I just woke up and put intent into my life.

The teaching that I always return to is really so simple: align your thoughts with your actions and your life will change.

Roller Skates

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I was about twelves years old and shopping with my mom at my local K-mart when I learned the most valuable lesson she may have ever instilled in me.

For months prior to this day, I was becoming obsessed with rollerskating and spent every Friday evening at the local rink wishing the boy I was crushed on would ask me to slow skate with him, eating lemon heads with my girlfriends and basically feeling what freedom away from your parents felt like. I watched as some of the other girls started to show up with fancy white leather roller-skates with pink wheels and that amazingly cool toe stop. I noticed that some girls even got snazzy shoe-laces to make their cool skates look even cooler. These girls were no longer renting the smelling unisex brown and red skates that usually had a sticky wheel or some other defect, instead they looked like movies stars skirting around the rink. In my mind I was also convinced that they got asked to skate the slow skates with cute boys because of the skates, but I could have been wrong.

The late afternoon day at K-mart I was eyeing the same white leather with pink stopper skates that all the popular girls where bringing to the skating rink in a cool bag. I had been wearing old metal skates around my neighborhood that you just wore with your sneakers. Lame. I wanted to glide around my neighborhood and carry them into the rink on Friday like the popular girls. I wanted so badly to have these skates.

My mom found me in the aisle and I begged her with all my begging ability to buy the skates for me. They were priced at $10.97 and they had my size. They fit perfectly and I was about as excited as a girl could have been.

Nope. Her response to me asking was, “Save up your money and when you have enough, I will bring you back”.

She was not going to buy me roller-skates when I had “perfectly good ones at home that fit just fine“. She did not want to hear that other girls had them because that was the last thing she cared about (another amazing lesson). My mom was the type of mom that you did not ask twice if the answer the first time wasn’t what you wanted. You just learned to accept the answer no matter how crushed you might have been.

I was crushed.

I remember fighting back the tears and feeling so frustrated that she would not buy them for me. I was mad and jealous all at the same time. Why did I have to be the stupid paper girl tossing newspapers onto people’s porches, smelling like ink and being laughed at? Why couldn’t I just be the pretty girl that had fancy new skates with sparkly shoelaces and whatever else fad that came along?

Because my mom was teaching me the value of earning what you think you need. She was teaching me the value of waiting until you can get it yourself. She was teaching me the reward of working hard and saving up for something. She was teaching me that I can provide for myself.

What a gift that was and one that has served me so well. In fact I would rather work hard, save up for something and know that I earned it, than be given something. It feels richer knowing that I made choices to get something I wanted and I certainly learned to take really good care of what I worked myself to get.

The lesson that day is one of what people call a defining moment.

I will say that walking into the skating rink the next Friday night felt pretty amazing. The skates glided and I felt so good. I would love to say the boy asked me to skate, but he didn’t. That is okay because I gained so much self-value that I didn’t need a silly boy to hold my hand to the slow songs of Lionel Richie.

From that day forward, I polished my skates off after each use and prayed that my feet didn’t grow too fast. Oh, and my mom did end up buying me the sparkly laces and even made me a pom-pom to go on top.

Changing Beautifully

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I stumbled across this leaf the other day and I knew immediately that there was a divine lesson available to me.

I have been going through some pretty big life events and with the energy of the world being what it is, I needed this little reminder that despite whatever changes we have, we can still show up in all of our beauty. A reminder that I can transform from one season of my life to another with grace and boldness.

Sometimes we have to let go of people, situations, and even some of our dreams, but we can do so beautifully.

Principles to Live By

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In the Yoga world, Pantanjali wrote ancient texts thousands and thousands of year ago and have become the “rules” in which a Yogi attempts to live by. Part of the texts include the Yamas and Niyamas. The Yamas focus on the ethical standards of how we should conduct ourselves in daily life and the behavior to develop during interactions with the self and others. The five Yamas include truthfulness, non violence, non stealing, non greed, right energy. The five Niyamas are constructive tools for cultivating happiness and self-confidence and they are purification, contentment, self-discipline, self study, and self surrender.

As I have been going back to studying the Sutras, reviewing these principles is always a rich self exploration, especially during this month as I have been teaching my classes around the concept of understanding the foundation of our spirit.

Over the years I have found that knowing (and living within) my values or principles is paramount for my success and overall well-being. When I step aside from them and life becomes challenging, as it often does, I am less likely to respond well.

In contemplative questions, it is useful to ask yourself what are some of the core principles in which you live by. I like to think of the foundation of a home being what sustains the rest of the structure when storms come by, or the roots of tree that holds it upright during turmoil.

As I have been looking inward and reviewing the Yamas/Niyamas, I spent a few weeks discovering the ten principles in which I live by.

I have come to learn that when we know who we are, we can begin to show up in life through our thoughts, words, and actions in alignment with that inner truth. Knowing who we are is very different than what we are. To learn more about labels, check out this post.

I know when I am showing up outside of these parameters or guidelines because I get easily rattled, I am quick with sharp words, I am impatient and easily overwhelmed. When I am in my truth and aligned with these principles, I feel the wholeness of who I am and know that I am showing up in my most authentic self.

Have you ever thought about what guides you? What your foundation is?

After several weeks of pondering, here are my ten principles.

My Ten Principles

  1. Faith (in my purpose)
  2. Service (to do without gain)
  3. Kindness (just be kind)
  4. Acceptance (for everything)
  5. Diligence (don’t half ass)
  6. Action (necessary for success)
  7. Awareness (stay awake to now)
  8. Belief (knowing, empowering)
  9. Fulfillment (attention to good)
  10. Love (act in alignment with my heart)

Follow me for more goodness

The Potential

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The Course in Miracles tells us that we have two basic emotions–love and fear. It goes on to say that we are either acting in love or we are acting in fear. To act in Love means that we are joyful, creative, aligned with our vision and service is at the heart of our actions. To act in Fear means we are competitive, judgmental, living in a mindset of lack and accumulating nonsense for the self.

We can see this so easily when we take a hard look at our reactions or responses to everyday things. The “me” mentality that seems to overshadow the potential for goodness in our communities and even our country. While the world arounds us lives in the space of winning and gathering up all the abundance they can, it has become my mission this month to go into love….deep into love as I look intensely at my life and the choices that I make everyday.

Last week I began to ask myself if the choices I am making support the life I am trying to create. Is the hustle and bustle worth it? Am I in alignment with the vision I have for my life, which as you recall is a form of love. Am I coming at my work from the place of service or grasping at the concept of more, which is rooted in fear.

This week on the mat as we continue looking at freedom and liberation, we will explore the idea of love and fear as it relates to a current obstacle in our life. I have a few challenges of my own and I am choosing to see the potential versus the problem.

Deep Sustenance

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It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom

you have studied, 

I want to know what sustains, 

from the inside, 

when all else falls away.

Tell me of a time when hope and faith wasn’t enough.  Tell me what sustains you when all that you have known, or relied on, falls away.  Tell me what you do to find your way back when you are lost?

When all that we have relied on falls away we have nothing to do but wait. How we wait is up to us.  Whether we wait with openness, or we close off, the choice is ours.  We either choose to LIVE or we move towards a death.

To choose life, we have to be willing to wait.  To ride the waves of life even when it seems impossible.  To wait for the waves to subside.

What sustains us when all else falls away are the things that we do that make waiting and staying open to life possible. These things are our practices that fill up the space when hope and faith are waiting to find us again.

For me, my practices are my foundation.  Without them, I am lost in life.  I know that these are the rituals that I must do while I lean towards faith and hope with anticipation that they are around the corner during the hard times of my life.  Without these practices, I know I would not be able to show up in life the way that I do.

  • daily power hour; setting my intention for the day, journal meditation, plan my day and review my commitments, create tasks to complete that support my dreams, read a motivational/spiritual passage.
  • walk in nature; rain, snow, shine.  No matter what I get at least one 30 minute walk each and everyday.   No matter the temperature because after all that is what hats and gloves are for.
  • bubble bath; beyond the practical reasons, I self-care soak at least once per day to get grounded and connected, to wash off the day’s experiences and energy, and to savor my body.

These daily practices sustain me and keep me from being lost in a big world with often big experiences while I wait for hope and faith to find me.

This week we will explore this on the mat (or chair) as we dive into our practices of movement and breath with the idea of deep sustenance.  We will wait out postures by following our breath and coming back into the moment of now.

Join me!

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The Sorrow

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It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. 
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been touched by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. 
I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own,
without moving to hide it,
fade it,
or fix it.

Every life has pain.   It is in the pain that we often find the deepest parts of our soul and yet as humans we are afraid of pain–emotional and physical.  We try to convince ourselves that we should be going around the pain.  Avoiding pain.  Not being willing to sit with pain.

It is impossible to be with another person’s pain if we are not able to be with our own. Our pain is often the window to deep wisdom about ourselves.  In that same way, when we are able to be with someone else’s pain–simply BE with it, we can also learn how to observe a reaction and how our impulse is to remove the pain by fixing it or fading it.

I believe that we must move into the shadows of ourselves. We rarely are willing to look at the dark spaces to find out more about who we are.  Dipping into that intimate parts of ourselves that we often hide.  But to show up in life full, we have to be willing to go into the vastness of the mysteries within us. Learning to be fully with ourselves, another and the world is the work of the soul.

When we learn to be with our pain, we call back parts of ourselves we have attempted time and time again to leave behind, we are to once again find that wholeness.  We are able to leave behind the idea of ‘perfection’ that often holds us back from a life of fullness and deep compassion for others.

Be with your pain and be willing to listen to the whisperings of your soul.

We will be exploring this on the mat this week and looking at the inner parts of us that back away from our sorrow, and search for the wisdom that comes from the pain.