Hip Replacement Update

Many have asked and wondered how the ol’ hip replacement is healing. The hip is eh…the arm is not.

I have gone back to work and mostly doing what I want to be doing….however the pain is still very prominent. I adjust things constantly and have adapted almost everything in my life so that I can carry on. It still takes great effort to do everyday things. I stopped using a cane awhile ago because it was aggravating my arm…more on that.

I will see the infectious disease doctor later this month to check status of the infection.

When the infection arose I had a picc line (IV) placed and that caused a blood clot in my arm. Then my body made more clots. The blood clots in my arm have taken up space and seem to like living there rent free. Sadly, after a recent ultrasound it shows the veins are chronically inflamed and damaged from the DVT and superficial clots. The solution is finding comfort and not aggravating it. She suggested not lifting anything heavy or doing heavy work and minimize stretching it.

She also said this is permanent damage that rarely resolves.

So there is that.

It seems my adult life has been one opportunity after another to show up, to be strong and forge through challenges.

I am so so so grateful that I have the strength I do.

Onward.

Being Authentic

Authenticity has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I often ask myself how authencity shows up in my daily choices, especially lately.

Am I trying hard to be something I am not? Am I revealing the honest parts of myself?

Truth is I have been emotionally absent to many for quite some time. I haven’t taught my special students with dementia since January. I have been unable to host yoga in my studio and feel that human connection until just very recently.

I find myself overwhelmed with the demands of each day while simply trying to heal. The healing process has been so challenging and energetically consuming.

You might see that I am doing work, or creating things, and continuing on “as if”.

Truth is, the “as if” is what helps me cope. The major lifestyle change and everyday pain I experience overcomes me. The effects of the surgeries and medications are grueling. Every little task takes so much effort.

Each day I choose to function as best I can and put in a solid amount of time “working “ on other areas of my business and finding things that bring me joy.

By 2pm everyday I am shutting down. I don’t engage much with the world as I am trying my hardest to simple exist without agony.

From the outside looking in, I appear that I am doing so well. The inside however is grieving and scared.

Each invite is an emotional negotiation. If I say yes, I am risking overwhelm. If I say no, I am risking loss.

I want you to know I am sorry.
I am simple acknowledging it and not justifying it.

I am truly doing my best. I am being my true self.