Aligning Your Thoughts with Your Actions

The month of March has been historically a month when where major changes occur in my own life. As I look back I see that I started the wakeup of my life that I refer to so often, I took my first Yoga class, did my first Yoga teacher training, taught my first Yoga class, and hosted my first community inclusion Yoga class where able bodied people practiced along side people in wheelchairs and other disabilities all in the month of March. You can see something fiery happens to me during the month of March and magic really starts to happen.

About seventeen years ago I woke up exhausted again and said to myself, “I am done being fat”.  I literally heard the words “I am done”. I had lived with extra weight since my first pregnancy when I was eighteen years old.  Within just four years of my first kiddo, I had three little babies and a bunch of added pounds.  I was fully investing in being a momma and unfortunately at that time I had no idea that not investing in myself was actually a disservice to them.

Carrying the extra weight also meant that I was clearly eating foods that were not the healthiest and I was doing no exercise or self-care at all. I had every excuse in the world as to why I was unable to lose weight; healthy food costs so much, I don’t have time, I am too busy, I can’t afford a gym, etc.

Clearly my mind, body and spirit were so disconnected.  I was so lost.

The day in March that I woke up and decided that I was done was in alignment with the world around me where spring was just beginning. When I think back of that time, I realize that I too was in a rebirthing or awakening from a dark and long slumber. I was beginning the journey of my own form of blossoming.

My plan consisted of many things but the foundation of it all began not with the outer or my physical body, but instead it started with cleaning up my inner world.  My thoughts.

My first course of action was that I chose to wake up one hour earlier each morning and start my day with quiet, contemplative reading.  I journaled every single morning.  My journal entries at that time were not a recount of my day or diary-like at all, instead I wrote affirmative statements such as “I am worth it”.  I also wrote down all that I was grateful for in the present, and all that I was grateful for that was coming to me.  It was something like this: “I am grateful for the food I have chosen to eat.  I am grateful for my healthy body”. The quiet and contemplative time was like a drink of cold water on a hot day; refreshing, awakening and invigorating.

The time spent still and quiet each morning began to stoke my inner fire of mindfulness.  As I became more aware of my thoughts and was purposeful for those sixty minutes, I began to train my brain to be more aware of my thoughts throughout the day.  I began to notice when my thoughts would shift to lack or negativity and I would immediately pause to reframe them to something that was positive, and true. I found that many times I was attaching myself to a made up story or a future based fear.  For example, when my thoughts were something like, “I am so heavy….I am a pig…..I can’t afford that…..I wouldn’t look good in that…..I am broke…..I am a mess”, I would stop and tell myself that all of that was a story and the truth was/is “I am worth it….I have plenty of money….I am beautiful….I am amazing….”

Once I began to remove the heavy and sludge-filled thoughts that were literally weighing me down, I became more deliberate in my actions.  Through the act of being mindful, I interrupted the patterns that were contributing to my extra weight and replaced those actions with healthier ones:

  • My walking shoes were placed on the steps that went from my garage to my house and every day when I came home from work and before ANYTHING, I slipped on my shoes and walked 40 minutes.
  • The dog’s leash was set out and every morning–rain or shine–I walked my dogs 40 minutes before work.  I slept less but as I moved more, my body was less fatigued and required less sleep that ended up actually being more restorative.
  • The kids snacks were put in the cabinet above the fridge so it literally took a step stool to get to them.  The extra work allowed time for me to really think about how much I wanted/needed cheetos.
  • Instead of going straight to the kitchen when I got done walking, I went straight to the bathtub.  Not only did this give me a self-care ritual, it interrupted a pattern of snacking before dinner.  By the time I got out of my bath, it was time to cook and I eliminated extra calories in mindless snacking.
  • I used small salad plates for every meal which tricked my brain into thinking I was eating more.
  • I taught the kids how to wash and load their own dishes because I was eating thousands of calories in leftover chicken nuggets and fries after I just ate my dinner.
  • I invested in measuring cups and a food scale.  I did this deliberately for a short time so that I would be more intentional with my choices.
  • I logged EVERY single calorie that passed through my lips.  I did this for two and a half years!  Eventually that was an obsession that I had to let go of because it was getting in the way of joy and pleasure with food, but for the time,  I needed to learn just how much food I was over-eating.  Portions and extra wasted calories were out of control.
  • I started to love who I was.  I became passionate about ME.  I was investing in myself and the results were astounding.  I was happier, my relationships improved and my life began to be incredibly vibrant.

When asked how I did it, my answer is this:  I woke up.  I opened my eyes to my life and I said yes to me.  I cleaned up my inner world of thoughts and as a result my actions became more deliberate.  I began to see my self-worth and choose to love myself by honoring my thoughts and actions. You see, it was not a crazy diet that was restrictive or extreme and I wasn’t killing myself at the gym (although that did come later and had its own set of deep lessons).  I just woke up and put intent into my life.

The teaching that I always return to is really so simple: align your thoughts with your actions and your life will change.

A Love Affair

We all think we know what love is and what the definition is, but I resonate the most with how Brené Brown defines love–

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

For the first 30 years of my life I thought I knew what love was and that I was living as an example of love—dependable, reliable, giving, and selfless. I’ve come to now see that what I was really offering was anything but that. I was clueless, unaware, oblivious and at times, destructive.

Not to others.

To myself.

Back when I was young, married and raising three people I was completely asleep when it came to self love. I have come to realize now however that I simply did not like who I was, so loving me was not even close to being on my radar. I know now that when you love yourself, you take actions that care for yourself.

Back then I had no awareness that the fast food I was consuming and the sedentary life I was living was contributing to my very large body. I never connected that the heaviness I was in my body was a direct link to the heaviness in my emotions. I thought by being an amazing mom and wife I was all about love. And then I realized.

Not to myself.

When I began to what I like to refer to as “wake up” and get healthy, I started to like me. I was finding dark shadows that were lurking in my heart that were asking to be let out. I healed many things that were literally weighing me down. I forgave others. I accepted circumstances. I began to care for me.

The logistics in which I lost weight are simple–I changed my habits. I recognized what wasn’t working and made a very conscious decision to change it. Some of my strategies were this:

  • Eating meals on small plates
  • Chewing gum while I cooked
  • Teaching others to do their dishes
  • Putting trigger foods out of sight
  • Making sure my walking shoes were always with me
  • Changing routines to avoid mindless eating (taking long baths, going for a walk, learning to garden)

You see these simple changes were to avoid be being unconscious with snacking, portions, sedentary lifestyle choices and emotional eating. Many of these changes still remain part of my life.

By swapping out the mindless munching on snacks for bubble baths or a short walk, my mind was beginning to see the value in me. It is extraordinary what happens to a person’s soul when time is spent consistently alone on a walk. The changes that occurred both on the inside and outside were amazing.

I began noticing myself.

I have spent a decade and a half living like these habits—mindful eating, multiple daily walks, I even became a yoga and meditation teacher, and basically transformed myself from an angry obese woman to a healthy and happy woman.

A vibrant life was mine.

Then I got injured.

For the last seven years I have dealt with healing from four orthopedic surgeries and learning to live with chronic pain. This body that I had worked so hard to become healthy began to defile me. It was as if she was rebelling against this lifestyle of health and fitness. I began to feel a deep sadness for her.

While I have maintained a healthy weight for over 20 years, I have struggled with trusting my body. The multiple diagnoses felt at times like a betrayal. I mean, I spent a solid 10 adult years living on double cheeseburgers, fries and chicken nuggets without a stitch of pain or health issues.

I wondered many times why I began to develop inflammatory issues when I was now living my best life? I was loving my body’s ability to climb mountains, race bicycles, practice endless hours of yoga, walk miles and miles each day.

And yet, my body was struggling.

I have since learned to accept what is and have continued on living an extraordinary happy and healthy life. I still make daily choices around movement vs sitting, ice cream vs a single bite of dark chocolate, and binging on tv vs a long bubble bath. I’ve been extremely happy with the self love I have discovered by nurturing myself.

Loving myself.

The game changed about six months ago when I stumbled onto a strength training program. I was completely content with my body and it’s strength and flexibility-and my size- but was intrigued by this idea of committing to something new.

Questions of value immediately rose to the surface. The excuses were miles long. (I can’t do that because of my hip, that will hurt my ankle, I don’t need to do burpees, I don’t have enough weights, my body is “good enough”).

Deep down I knew that all of that internal dialogue didn’t sound much like loving myself. And I knew it.

So I began October 1st. A brand new love affair with myself. And like any new love there have bumps along the way—days I doubted myself and had some pretty bad words spoken, days I wanted to give up and go back to the inner narrative that I was “good enough”.

Those challenging days of the early love affair with my 51 year old self are gone. Now, I am in complete awe of what I have been able to do and overcome. I am happily shocked at the human body and it’s ability to transform. I am no longer held back by the story of age or injury and instead I am madly loving my ability and what I have achieved.

Not the amount of weight I can lift or the pushups I can now easily complete, but the confidence in my physical body to overcome pain, injury and doubt.

Amazing how much healing can happen when you say yes to YOU. Whether it is food choices, walking, yoga, mindfulness or even getting down with lifting weights learning to love myself has been a journey I am so grateful for.

I have found trust in myself. And isn’t trust a much needed part of love?

This new love affair is destined to last a long, long time and I couldn’t be happier.