Being Authentic

Authenticity has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I often ask myself how authencity shows up in my daily choices, especially lately.

Am I trying hard to be something I am not? Am I revealing the honest parts of myself?

Truth is I have been emotionally absent to many for quite some time. I haven’t taught my special students with dementia since January. I have been unable to host yoga in my studio and feel that human connection until just very recently.

I find myself overwhelmed with the demands of each day while simply trying to heal. The healing process has been so challenging and energetically consuming.

You might see that I am doing work, or creating things, and continuing on “as if”.

Truth is, the “as if” is what helps me cope. The major lifestyle change and everyday pain I experience overcomes me. The effects of the surgeries and medications are grueling. Every little task takes so much effort.

Each day I choose to function as best I can and put in a solid amount of time “working “ on other areas of my business and finding things that bring me joy.

By 2pm everyday I am shutting down. I don’t engage much with the world as I am trying my hardest to simple exist without agony.

From the outside looking in, I appear that I am doing so well. The inside however is grieving and scared.

Each invite is an emotional negotiation. If I say yes, I am risking overwhelm. If I say no, I am risking loss.

I want you to know I am sorry.
I am simple acknowledging it and not justifying it.

I am truly doing my best. I am being my true self.