Love

Simple Kindness

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About six years ago I had a new student come into my classes who later proved to become a sweet friend who never asked for recognition for his mysterious, and always anonymous generosity. He was the example of simple kindness.

If you knew him, you may have not been able to recognize that he was a person living with a traumatic brain injury or that he struggled with all types of pain. His outlook and hash tag on life was #lovemylife. He never complained and was always up for a positive spin on things.

Through the years, I shared yoga and mindfulness with him. I schooled him on the proper way to eat cold chicken (only with mustard). I proudly sent him pictures of my garden bounty and the hikes I took. He returned this with endless versions of simple kindness; countless bags of chocolates delivered to my door, things for my shoes so I don’t slip on ice, he would send his own pictures of amazing hikes, and we often compared notes on Saturday steak nights.

Our friendship was based on simple kindness between two people.

Despite very different lifestyles we connected. What was most intriguing was our communication was only through texting. We disagreed politically and on issues we are both passionate about. Rather than attempt to convince each other that our view was the right view, we chose instead to focus on kindness. We chose to share things with each other that embodied what it meant to live your best life. He cracked lame jokes and always asked me about my health. I made sure he knew I was around and that he was on my mind from time to time.

Simple kindness was the theme of our friendship.

A few weeks ago, I went to see him in person in the hospital as he battled for his life. I rubbed his feet and brought him lemonade. Words were minimal and not needed.

His illness, injuries and life of pain came to an end recently. I know that what he was facing was not living his best life. He also knew it. His need to escape society and head to the woods for months at a time was not something he would be able to do.

I knew his fear and his pain.

Taking a much needed a hike in the trees, I had little chat with him and wished him well on his soul path. As I finished saying my goodbyes, I snapped this photo of the hill I was climbing and the light beam was such an obvious sign.

Nicely done, Scott. I will treasure your spirit and the gift your life was on my path. Enjoy the trees, the hawks and the views.

A Love Affair

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We all think we know what love is and what the definition is, but I resonate the most with how Brené Brown defines love–

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

For the first 30 years of my life I thought I knew what love was and that I was living as an example of love—dependable, reliable, giving, and selfless. I’ve come to now see that what I was really offering was anything but that. I was clueless, unaware, oblivious and at times, destructive.

Not to others.

To myself.

Back when I was young, married and raising three people I was completely asleep when it came to self love. I have come to realize now however that I simply did not like who I was, so loving me was not even close to being on my radar. I know now that when you love yourself, you take actions that care for yourself.

Back then I had no awareness that the fast food I was consuming and the sedentary life I was living was contributing to my very large body. I never connected that the heaviness I was in my body was a direct link to the heaviness in my emotions. I thought by being an amazing mom and wife I was all about love. And then I realized.

Not to myself.

When I began to what I like to refer to as “wake up” and get healthy, I started to like me. I was finding dark shadows that were lurking in my heart that were asking to be let out. I healed many things that were literally weighing me down. I forgave others. I accepted circumstances. I began to care for me.

The logistics in which I lost weight are simple–I changed my habits. I recognized what wasn’t working and made a very conscious decision to change it. Some of my strategies were this:

  • Eating meals on small plates
  • Chewing gum while I cooked
  • Teaching others to do their dishes
  • Putting trigger foods out of sight
  • Making sure my walking shoes were always with me
  • Changing routines to avoid mindless eating (taking long baths, going for a walk, learning to garden)

You see these simple changes were to avoid be being unconscious with snacking, portions, sedentary lifestyle choices and emotional eating. Many of these changes still remain part of my life.

By swapping out the mindless munching on snacks for bubble baths or a short walk, my mind was beginning to see the value in me. It is extraordinary what happens to a person’s soul when time is spent consistently alone on a walk. The changes that occurred both on the inside and outside were amazing.

I began noticing myself.

I have spent a decade and a half living like these habits—mindful eating, multiple daily walks, I even became a yoga and meditation teacher, and basically transformed myself from an angry obese woman to a healthy and happy woman.

A vibrant life was mine.

Then I got injured.

For the last seven years I have dealt with healing from four orthopedic surgeries and learning to live with chronic pain. This body that I had worked so hard to become healthy began to defile me. It was as if she was rebelling against this lifestyle of health and fitness. I began to feel a deep sadness for her.

While I have maintained a healthy weight for over 20 years, I have struggled with trusting my body. The multiple diagnoses felt at times like a betrayal. I mean, I spent a solid 10 adult years living on double cheeseburgers, fries and chicken nuggets without a stitch of pain or health issues.

I wondered many times why I began to develop inflammatory issues when I was now living my best life? I was loving my body’s ability to climb mountains, race bicycles, practice endless hours of yoga, walk miles and miles each day.

And yet, my body was struggling.

I have since learned to accept what is and have continued on living an extraordinary happy and healthy life. I still make daily choices around movement vs sitting, ice cream vs a single bite of dark chocolate, and binging on tv vs a long bubble bath. I’ve been extremely happy with the self love I have discovered by nurturing myself.

Loving myself.

The game changed about six months ago when I stumbled onto a strength training program. I was completely content with my body and it’s strength and flexibility-and my size- but was intrigued by this idea of committing to something new.

Questions of value immediately rose to the surface. The excuses were miles long. (I can’t do that because of my hip, that will hurt my ankle, I don’t need to do burpees, I don’t have enough weights, my body is “good enough”).

Deep down I knew that all of that internal dialogue didn’t sound much like loving myself. And I knew it.

So I began October 1st. A brand new love affair with myself. And like any new love there have bumps along the way—days I doubted myself and had some pretty bad words spoken, days I wanted to give up and go back to the inner narrative that I was “good enough”.

Those challenging days of the early love affair with my 51 year old self are gone. Now, I am in complete awe of what I have been able to do and overcome. I am happily shocked at the human body and it’s ability to transform. I am no longer held back by the story of age or injury and instead I am madly loving my ability and what I have achieved.

Not the amount of weight I can lift or the pushups I can now easily complete, but the confidence in my physical body to overcome pain, injury and doubt.

Amazing how much healing can happen when you say yes to YOU. Whether it is food choices, walking, yoga, mindfulness or even getting down with lifting weights learning to love myself has been a journey I am so grateful for.

I have found trust in myself. And isn’t trust a much needed part of love?

This new love affair is destined to last a long, long time and I couldn’t be happier.

February Love

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Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. – Brené Brown

As we move into February, I hope that this will be a month filled with an abundance of love, especially for yourself. As we know, this kind of abundant love comes from our inner heart and must be first directed at ourselves. Learning to love who we are can be the doorway to experiencing a life filled with joy and richness. For most people it is much easier to love others than it is to love ourselves. Speaking of others, be sure to check out for my LOVE gifts mini-catalog for your beloved or for you! There is something for everyone!

When we are living busy lives that are filled with everything that comes with being human–stressful jobs, demanding families, chronic pain, overpacked schedules— it is incredibly difficult to feel healthy and comfortably rested. When that is our overall experience day to day, the result is that we become stressed and burned out. In order to nurture the health of our mind, body, and soul, we need ways to recenter and restore. We need to learn to cultivate these practices in short spurts throughout the day, and also in longer stretches. A quick walk, reading a chapter in a book, calling a friend are just some of the things that can feed your soul.

Over the years I have become a master at the art of self-care. It was not always this way and over time my entire being had taken a toll. Now, I take daily walks to reconnect, I have developed a rich morning routine, I have a good network of friends, I am satisfied with my work beyond words, I enjoy working a jigsaw puzzle, and there is not a day that goes by without a luxurious bubble bath to sooth my soul. One of the first steps is to simplify your schedule and make time for YOU. It may sounds difficult, but the rewards are so rich. And the best part? By loving on yourself, you will in turn be loving on others with a better attitude and less stress. I’d love for you to take a listen to a recent podcast I was a guest on that describes how I went into the heart and learned to love myself and my life.

Listen to the Podcast

Speaking of loving yourself, I am offering a self-care package this month that is worth every penny. You’ll get three beautiful yoga practices to add to your library, my custom blend called UNCONDITIONAL, a soothing foot salve and bath bombs all bundled into a gorgeous package. I even have a special package just for the special men in your life!

This month is also a time to look at your physical heart and make a commitment to care for it through healthy choices like eating clean and exercise. Find ways to incorporate movement into your life and your heart will be happy. When the days are cold and blustery, consider making a hearty vegetable soup to warm your insides or enjoy a warm bath infused with lavender. Also, taking a few minutes everyday to be grateful is a powerful exercise in cultivating love. I find that gratitude is the best way to stay in a full heart of goodness.

As we focus on love this month be sure that beyond all the candies, flowers and romance, remember that YOU are enough exactly as you are. You are worth it and your life has purpose and meaning.

Look into your eyes and see what I see.

I have a variety of ways this month to nurture your mind, body and spirit. My events are all virtual and can take place anywhere! Be sure to sign up so that you get the goodies that often come with the learning opportunity.

Class Schedule

The beauty you see in me is simply a reflection of you. ~Rumi

Mindset

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Oh my gosh, YES! Mindset is everything!

I mean face it, the last couple of years have been hard. The word pandemic was not everyday lingo and I don’t know about you, but I never thought about the impact a virus could make on the day to day. Before this pandemic, I had a basic understanding of political differences but the depth at which the country has gone the last few years is startling. The division is palpable in our cities and even in our homes.

Along with the collective challenges that we have all endured we each have our own unique challenges layered upon the big challenges. How we face them determines the quality of our lives. This isn’t to say that putting on a smiling face everyday will be the answer, but our ability to shift our mindset and not hold onto the things we have no control over can certainly help our happiness factor.

Truth is for me personally, I am a self-employed yoga teacher who has had to navigate how to continue to earn an income during these hard times; going from full-time teaching in long term care facilities, my own studio and a large health club to virtual only was a huge hit financially and had a big impact on my ability to feel fulfilled teaching. It is doable, but hard to connect through a screen, especially with individuals with special needs. I am also a full time caregiver for my special needs daughter; so her programming went all virtual which meant not only was I her primary caregiver, I also became her primary friend/peer/teacher/support/transportation/provider, which was hard on both of us. My last major daily hurdle is I have three health conditions that cause me to experience tremendous pain and fatigue. Managing my pain and being able to show up for my students and my family takes grit some days.

Most of the time, my MINDSET allows me to handle it (somewhat) gracefully and I choose to make the best of this precious life. I have a few must-do practices to keep my mindset in the right place:

I am committed to my health and fitness. I begin and end my day with a walk. I also walk on my lunch hour and anytime during the day I have sat too much or the burdens of life feels heavy. Some days I get over 25,000 steps and that is okay. It works for me. I find walking manages my pain better than anything else. I also practice yoga and do strength training 3-4 times per week.

I am committed to constantly changing my business model for the changing times and am open to always working hard. I have learned to be flexible (haha, no yoga teacher joke intended). I navigate the demands of the audience and am constantly learning how to best utilize my skills in a virtual world. I also invite small groups into my studio and while the income may not be what a large group is, I feel connected and inspired and that fulfills me. I work nearly 7 days a week either teaching, marketing, following up, promoting, etc. I am committed to this gift.

I am committed to seeing the best in every situation. Some people have told me that my rosy lenses aren’t accurate for the world, but I love them. I choose to look at both sides of the situation and try to find the small nuggets of wisdom that may be there to learn. I avoid situations that are filled with hatred, division, anger and judgment which means my circle of friends is small, I spend a lot of time by myself and I avoid the news.

I am committed to saying YES! I have found that when we live in a state of pessimism (I spent decades there), we attract the very things we dislike. When we learn to say yes to the best possible outcomes, we attract that. If you don’t believe me, try it for a month. Say yes to new opportunities, to new experiences, to new friends, to abundance and then sit back and enjoy the ride.

I am committed to a daily Gratitude practice. It is so easy to get sucked into the unfortunately popular culture that much of the world sees as not enough (time, money, resources, love). When we shift our attention to what we actually have plenty of, we get more (time, money, resources, love). Look around and notice the abundance of color, texture, living things, and feelings. There really is plenty to be thankful for.

It is a choice and although some days it can be harder to stay in a positive mindset given the status of the world, it is possible with a little changes to our thoughts. My mindset has served me incredibly well.

That’s my mindset, what is yours?

The Walls

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Today I celebrate that six years ago today I closed on my house. While it may not be a big deal to some, it is validation of the outward expression of who I am.

This little abode of mine is also the house that I grew up in…how awesome is that? While I believe in the concept of manifesting, it is truly not about things you want, but instead the deep understanding and awareness of WHAT you are.

My home and her walls are a reflection of me and the life that I have created despite obstacles and challenges. I did this by doing the hard work of chipping away at the barriers I attached to myself and allowing the revealing of who and what I am to be seen.

My home.

The walls hold my inner little girl tightly and affirm in her the goodness that she is.

The walls whisper secrets that only I know.

The walls speak softly to me and remind me that I chose to create this life I have.

The walls protect me from the outer angst and offer me a sanctuary of peace.

The walls provide me with a space to create, work and live in alignment.

The walls hold memories of nearly 51 years of living, growing, and evolving.

The walls are a reflection of who I am and today I celebrate both me and the walls.

Choose Kindness

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I have come to learn that during this season of focusing on our own goals and our own aspirations we can sometimes become consumed with ourselves.  This is not necessarily a bad thing but I have found that this time of year we can lose site of the opportunities to show kindness for someone else as we strive to close out our busy year with achieving our own goals that we may have set for ourselves.

Last week, as I was leaving a class at a senior facility I grabbed my bag and attempted to hurry out to get on with some personal errands I had to do.  I stopped for a second to say goodbye to a sweet little man who often just sits at the computer and cries.  He chooses to never participate in yoga and I rarely see him interact with anyone. Instead, he just cries. Weeps is more like it.

There was my moment to choose myself, or choose kindness.

I pulled up a chair and leaned towards him.  He wiped his tears and stuttered a bit as I sat to talk to him. Since the yoga class prior was about setting goals for growth and personal development, I asked him if he had a goal.  He very quietly whispered, “do you think it is too late to learn to read?”

He is 61 years old.  He had never learned to read.

No wonder he sits in front a computer crying until someone types into the search bar what he is looking for. I got a bit closer and pulled up an easy online reading game and together, we sounded out the letters of the alphabet and some simple words in the game. His face was beaming when he realized that he looked at a picture, a letter and a word and together “read” the word apple. He clutched at my arm and said, “I am reading”.

Five minutes of my life.

I got out of my life and my goals and gave kindness.  It really is so simple.

Photo by Lisa on Pexels.com

Maybe

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Just because someone carries it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. I think that it is pretty likely that each day we hold things in our heart, and sometimes these things become incredibly heavy. But also choosing to carry grace sure lightens that load.

It was on this day that my kids lost their dad forever. It was years before that though they also lost him. I realize that he did the best he knew how to do. It wasn’t ideal by any means, but he did what he knew. And that is okay.

I choose grace. I choose to hold my head up high. I choose to look at my grown kids and know that the load I have carried for years was worth every single ounce. My kids are remarkable people and that makes the load all worthwhile.

Someone recently asked me how I got to the point in my process of being able to choose to forgive. And to let go. Well let me first say it wasn’t always easy and there are still times when those feelings of anger or disappoint bubble up, but I try really hard to not allow those heavy feelings to take over. I did a couple years of therapy and I dove into working on myself which invited me to not spend my waking hours fuming about what I didn’t get and instead look at what may have been my part in it all and to be able to learn about perspective.

Divorce takes a little bit of your heart regardless of how amicable it is. Co-parenting may seem like a great idea, but the truth is finding common ground that works for the kids is even harder when you have two households working. It wasn’t many months after my divorce and my three little kids and I were no longer receiving child support. He didn’t think he needed to and so he chose not to. He also chose to have his visits with the kids shorter and few and far between. The raising of the kids landed solely on my shoulders. It wasn’t just the daily grind, but the big picture things that one parent should never be completely responsible for if the other parent is capable. Or so I used to think.

Maybe he wasn’t capable. Maybe he had no idea how to think beyond himself. Maybe his own heart was shattered and he couldn’t access the part of himself to step up. Who knows.

Within a few years he began to slip into a slow, horrific self-inflicted slow death. He chose to neglect himself. He chose horrible things to do to his body. He chose to give up. Or so I used to think.

Maybe he didn’t know how. Maybe he had something inside him preventing him to get and allow help. Maybe he just couldn’t.

I think about my own father in much the same way. Something in him was missing and he wasn’t able to to plug into being a part of my life. Maybe it was his own addiction or his own beliefs that he had. Maybe he never had a father step up in his own childhood. Maybe he didn’t know how.

When someone asks me how I arrived in a place of peace about my kid’s dad (or my own dad), my simplest answer is that I got tired of allowing all of that pain to take up residence in my heart and preventing me from allowing something much better into my heart, like love. I realized that they both probably never had a father that stuck around. I was able to step back and see that my former husband was a young man with a tremendous amount of responsibility and perhaps he simply could not do it. He was giving all he had to his little family that eventually crumbled in front of him, and maybe it broke him.

I chose to see my father as a lost little boy who had no real father to speak of and an abusive mom. No wonder he was disconnected.

I replaced the feelings of anger and disappointment with compassion and love. Then it was really simple to carry on with a little lighter load in my heart. Being able to do that certainly doesn’t lighten the heaviness of raising three people alone and the huge responsibility that I had, but somehow having a heart full of compassion rather than pain, I was able to move forward and feel good about myself and my kids.

Maybe I will be an example for them.

Unconditional

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This blend works so beautifully to tap into the space of unconditional love. Apply to the heart, the wrists or along the spine to bring out all the good feelings.

Rose: Opens the heart chakra and allows you to feel unconditional love. Creates a sense of well-being and calmness while awakening your ability for self-compassion, nurturing, and love.

Lemon: Opens the heart chakra to self-love and self-nurturing. lightens while uplifting your spirit and bringing clarity into your life.

Neroli: A natural tranquilizer and regulator of the nervous system that opens the heart chakra, uplifts your spirit, and encourages confidence, joy, and peace.

Marjoram: Restores warmth, self-compassion, and self-nurturing when feeling lonely or isolated.

Lavender: Helps you to relax, let go of the stress, and release fear, which fosters connect with the heart center and opens you up to more love.

Jasmine: Uplifting and joyous oil that balances the emotional system, soothes anxiety, and helps with depression and apathy.

Geranium: This emotional healing oil restores confidence and trust in others. It can help to heal a broken heart and open one up to love.

Ylang Ylang: This is a powerful remedy for the heart and releasing trauma from the past. This oil helps to release bottled up emotions that weigh heavy on the heart which allows for a more playful, carefree, emotionally connected and loving experience of life.

Tranquility Blend: Encourages individuals to first reconnect with themselves and discover peace that lies within, and then to reconnect with the humanity in others. This brings a calm, tranquil, peaceful, relaxed, compassionate and connection person.

Rose quartz: Rose Quartz is the stone of universal love. It restores trust and harmony in relationships, encouraging unconditional love. Rose Quartz purifies and opens the heart at all levels to promote love, self-love, friendship, deep inner healing and feelings of peace. Calming and reassuring, it helps to comfort in times of grief. Rose Quartz dispels negativity

Grab yours here!

The Pot (repost)

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This beautiful tale comes from my other, more personal blog but it is worth reading here. Being real and raw can invite such a healing.

For many, many years I have often thought of my internal state being that of a boiling pot of water.  Sometimes the water simmers and sometimes it is a raging boil.  The lid may slip off from time to time to allow some steam to release but for the most part I have keep the lid tightly sealed.

A lifetime of experiences and years of conscious choices to see the good and the potential in all situations has served me well and yet, the boiling water remained.  Always there under the surface of acceptance and gratitude.

Disability. Autism. Fear. Shame. Conditional love. Solitude. Survival. Abandonment. Fatigue. Gut-wrenching sadness. Grief.

Recently the day came when the pot erupted into an over-boil and the water scalded me and the all that raged inside me.  As if I was taking the lid off and pouring the wretched water out, I stepped into the deepest darkest caverns of my soul. I allowed any and all emotions to flood out as I poured this enormous pot of water out. Hot and blistering in its sensation, I conceded to its pain.

I cried. I sobbed. I yelled. I stomped.

I questioned God.

And then I withdrew into the emptiness of a pot no longer holding a lifetime of pain.  I sat in the stillness of a depleted and vacant space within my soul. Weakened by the rage and invigorated by the freedom of no longer holding the lid on tight, I felt empty.

In the space of barren feelings, I realized that being pissed off at the cards I was dealt is okay.  Certainly seeing the good in what the cards have offered me is healthy and a beautiful practice that I enjoy living, but denying myself to feel the pain has been destructive.  No more.

The vessel is dry and awaits to be filled with love and happiness.

Divine Compensation

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I probably get asked more than anything (besides if you have to be able to touch your toes to do yoga), why I am a donation only studio versus a set fee, or membership style studio.

My quick answer is because I never want to assume what people can pay.  My long answer has much more to do with divine compensation and universal love.

I believe more than anything that yoga should be for everyone.  That doesn’t mean it should be free for everyone, but it should be accessible for everyone.  If someone truly does not have the means to pay for a class, should they go without? I say no. This also doesn’t mean that my work should be considered devalued because I choose to not tell you what to pay,  and therefore free.  It means I trust you to pay. And finally, it means that you get to decide if you live by the honor system and if you want to be part of the universal circulation of goodness.

It’s really up to you. If you fear not having enough, you probably won’t have enough.  If you choose faith and love, the universe listens and I am certain you will have enough….more than enough.

I am excited to have my entire library of yoga, chair yoga, and pilates videos up on my website.  Just pop over here and find one that draws you in.

So as you want to have, the question is are you willing to give?

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