Living Present

Twigs and Trash

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In order to grow we must first remove what it is in the way.

For many years I have been teaching the concept that much like a garden we have outside, before we can plant anything and expect it to grow, we first have to remove all the old stuff, the trash and the things that are cluttering the soil. Today, as I was doing that exact literal thing in my backyard raking leaves and removing last years dead plants that were once so vibrant, I was reminded of the conversation I had this week with a group of men who have traumatic brain injures.

I teach this topic every March, regardless of who is in my classes because I think no matter who you are and what your life experience is, we all have something that is cluttering up our heart and therefore limiting the potential we have to grow. This might be something like fear, disappointment, regret, guilt, shame, resentment, anger or any other feeling and emotion that we have carried around for days or decades.

As I was guiding a meditation about visualizing a garden and seeing the old growth, the twigs and the trash, I asked them each to see a garden in their heart that may also have some things that could be getting in the way of growth.

I shared with my ‘frat house’ that they have fondly referred to themselves as, that I have some disappointment that is taking up space in my own heart. I carry it day after day, year after year and despite all my attempts to pull it out, it seems to have a root system that is deep and new shoots pop up and take over my heart at times.

As we had a discussion about this, they called me out on it and the wise man who developed a life changing brain tumor at age 23 gave me the best insight on how to manage all the little twigs and trash that take up space. He is turning 60 in a a few weeks and following his diagnosis while in his final year of college his life has been a series of assisted living settings and long term support. He lost his independence and so much more, and yet is so wise.

Are you ready for this? In my humbleness, I asked how does one remove all the “twigs and trash” from our hearts. I asked how do I remove the disappointment?

He shared that you can never fully rid of every twig or piece of trash that has landed in the garden, instead you have to learn to manage and grow around them.

Huh, I said.

Tell me more, I said.

He went on to say that the remnants of the the “twigs” and “trash” will likely always be there and sometimes they may stick out of the soil and poke you but our job is to plants things around them so the beauty takes over.

Again, I asked how.

The wise teacher said:

  • forgiveness
  • acceptance
  • gratitude

When we forgive ourselves and others we remove so much of the garbage that fills our heart. This removes resentment, bitterness, and what-if thinking. When we accept was IS we no longer grieve for what might have been which brings presence to growing today. And finally, when we focus on being grateful we see all that we have, not all that we do not have.

How’s that for insightful?

It’s not so much about removing the parts of our heart that impede growth, but rather moving them aside through forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude so that we make space for something far more amazing to grow.

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Like I Matter

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Can you say that your actions give light to the darkness that others experience?

Alone somewhere in an assisted living group home sits a woman who like many I get to see had a life changing event where everything that she knew was instantly gone. She lost her family, her job, her home, and possibly her purpose.

Everyday is the same existence; eat, sleep, eat, maybe occasionally go into the community, eat, sleep, repeat. There is never a visitor and never anything that provides meaning to her day. I show up once per month to attempt some group yoga classes, however, most of the women living in this house decline to attend, except this lovely lady I will call Patricia.

On my last visit I had the opportunity to work 1:1 with her and address some of her challenges. I knew she had a painful shoulder from her accident and subsequent surgeries so I wanted to see if I could get some pain relief and mobility into her shoulder. Like all my sessions, there is a lot of dialogue and attempts to find connection. I know from my nearly two decades of teaching yoga to unique populations, the one thing that they want more than any physical practice is to feel part of something and to feel seen.

Isn’t that a universal desire? I believe our greatest human need it to simply be seen.

For the hour that we spent together, I learned about her accident and what her life was life before the event. I learned about her dreams, her mistakes, her shame and her hopes for her life. I learned what it means to her to be a mom and a grandmother. I learned that we are the same age, minus a few months difference. I learned about her hard upbringing and getting lost in her youth. I learned the details of her accident that was nearly thirty years ago.

For thirty years, Patricia has lived in this same existence. Thirty years is more than half her life. Half of her life has been lived alone, isolated, without meaning and incredibly lonely.

Towards the end of our session, I wanted to have a closer look at her shoulder and see if I would be able to get some movement and comfort into her body. I whipped out my trusted essential oil blend for pain and began to apply it slowly and gently to her arm and shoulder area. Human touch has a powerful effect and is so under implemented in our sterile world. No words were exchanged as I gently moved her arm in circles and into extension and flexion. I was careful to not do much as I did not know for sure the extent of her surgery and rehab.

I asked her, “how does that feel?”

She looked at me, and with tears in her eyes, she said, “like I matter”.

I rarely show my emotions, especially with my students. I am incredibly careful and cognizant of not coming across as a person who pities them or feels “bad” for them. That is not what they want, but her words struck my heart and tears filled my eyes instantly.

Can you imagine feeling so lonely and forgotten that simply having one person pay attention to you for thirty minutes gives you the feedback that you truly do matter?

Her answer had nothing to do with her shoulder pain and everything to do with her heart pain. I knew that in that instant, I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and she gave me such a gift that day.

I continue to think about how my actions remind people that they do matter. I get to be the giver of goodness. I get the privilege of sharing my day with them and learning how to make a difference in the lives of others.

When was the last time you felt like you matter? When was the last time you helped someone see that they matter? You just never know how your actions are influencing others. Can you say that your actions give light to the darkness that others experience?

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The Longing

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It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I was exposed to this poem many years and it is one I go back to time and time again. Imagine my happiness when I stumbled upon the book in an old used book store that was written from the poem itself. The book goes into depth of each stanza and truly has touched my soul.

I find the poem summons something in me to look further into learning about myself. Certainly when reading it, the poem can be read to be that of something one is reading when looking for certain characteristics for a beloved or partner, but I feel like if we cannot answer some of these key questions in our own minds for ourself, then how could we expect the same from someone else?

I want to know what I ache for. I want to touch the place in me that longs for connection, an intimacy with life itself and all that the sacred touches. I want to see that the willingness to live my desire takes courage. I want to taste the longing, feel the ache, and risk finding my deepest desire.

What do I really want? Really need? Really desire? My answers today seem simple and yet pure.

I doesn’t interest me to have a large group of friends, what I really need is one that understands and sees me.

It doesn’t interest me to have a huge house, what I really want is a home that is full of unconditional love.

It doesn’t interest me to be rich, what I really desire is to know I made a difference in the world.

Can you each meet your hearts longing? Can you dare to dream?

As we go about our every day tasks it is useful to return to these questions. Certainly each of us has the mundane aspects to our daily lives that must be done; taking out the garbage, tending to the animals, making dinner, cleaning the house, etc., but beyond the scope of the daily to-do’s, can you ask and answer the questions with truth? And then, can you give yourself what you want, need, and desire?

Start here. Simply finish these statements. Sit with your answers and return to them throughout the day. Notice if your actions are in alignment.

I want…

I need…

I desire…

Breathe with those statements for 5-6 breath cycles.

Can you speak the unspeakable and state, from your heart, what you want? What you need? What you desire? Can you finish this statement—it doesn’t interest me to have…when what I really want is…

Ask yourself. Now listen.

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I Chose

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No matter what the situation, remind yourself,
“I Have A Choice.”

Deepak Chopra

Think about it for a moment and see the possibility that this may be truth. I know for me I made a a series of conscious choices many years ago that I DO believe led me on the path of creating this beautiful life.

Certainly, the double edge sword comes when things show up that we cannot change, like chronic pain and disease, HOWEVER, we can chooose how we approach and deal with those obstacles. That we can choose.

My first lesson of choice was when realizing that my daughter born with a rare genetic disease was going to be a lifelong challenge that I would have to face. Being a caregiver for life felt daunting. My husband made his choice to leave me with three little kids to raise and no true sense of income. What do I choose? Bitterness? Giving up? Or grit?

I chose grit.

Spending my twenties and half of my thirties overweight, toxic and angry was a choice. At age thirty-five I chose different. I chose intentional eating, gratitude, movement and life.

I chose life.

I once had a job that was somewhat fulfilling. I was an advocate for adults with disabilities. I helped them navigate the adult world and find opportunities for them to grow. It was good, but not everything that I wanted. I took a giant leap and left security to teach adaptive and traditional yoga full time. I deliberately stepped into being self employed and trusting that I would succeed. I chose to listen o my calling.

I chose purpose.

Since I was thirty years old I have dealt with ongoing chronic pain, multiple autoimmune diseases, surgery after surgery to repair joints and tissue. I could choose to identify as that. Or I could choose to master the art of pull-ups, walk everyday no matter what, lift weights, practice yoga, be in nature, move my body, eat well and live a life beyond identifying as a disease. I could choose illness or I could choose health.

I chose health.

Tell me, what do you choose?

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Something

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I have said before that March has been a powerful month for me historically. This is the month I took my very first yoga teacher training many years ago and it is also the month that I took specialized training to teach yoga to adults with disabilities. On a personal note, it was in March of 2005 that I woke up one day so tired of being 75+ pounds overweight that I took the first steps (literally) in changing my life. March is also when I have made major decisions about relationships that weren’t healthy for me and have met special and unique people that continue to influence who I am for the better. March for me has been a month of tremendous growth and a huge saying yes to life.

Each year I circle back to this and wonder what may have been the initial steps that I may have not even realized I was taking during what I call my great “wake up”. On that cold March day, I grabbed the dog leash and laced up my shoes determined to discover myself. I was tired of being the angry, judgmental, insecure woman that I had become. Something in me was yearning for more.

This morning as I was planning my month of lessons it occurred to me that there was indeed something that called to me to begin the wakeup, and then to step into the arena of teaching yoga.

Something.

What was the something? What was the the spark that led to me to unravel the tangled mess my life had become and to reveal the person I knew I wanted to be?

The something was self awareness. It was looking in the mirror and seeing the truth. It was hearing my voice speak to my children. It was observing the thoughts I had constantly flooding my mind. It was watching the destructive actions that I took.

This powerful practice of self awareness led me to the teaching that I circle back to year after year in the the month of March-preparing our soil. Imagining that our beautiful soul is much like a garden bed that is awaiting the warmth of spring. Self awareness is seeing that garden bed within our heart and looking at all the old leaves, trash and twigs that are cluttering our garden. We all know that if we were to try to plant or grow anything in a bed filled with old stuff, nothing is likely to grow.

My garden back then was filled with comparison, judgment, self-hatred, insecurities, fear, doubt, anger and deeply seeded thoughts that I was not enough. I realized that part of my great wakeup that day in March when I ventured out on a walk was the first step at purging and cleaning out my then, very toxic garden bed in my soul.

Days turned into weeks and soon by late spring I had found little tiny signs of hope popping up in my life. Tiny little shows of growth. It took months for the little shoots of newness to develop into anything substantial but the fact that my soil was now clean and uncluttered due to my diligence with self-awareness, the prospect of me blooming was just a matter of time.

And bloom I did.

March is a time to look inward through self-awareness and see what is left of the last year, or the last decade, that is cluttering your soul and ultimately preventing anything new from growing. It is a time to purge the old feeling and thought patterns that take up too much space in your heart and mind. It is right now that we prepare our soul/soil for the months ahead of growth.

Go get your hands dirty and start clearing out the old stuff because major changes and growth are available to you!

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These Days of Vulnerability

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“We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you’re willing to be.”

Brené Brown

I mean how many times have I chosen a “word of the year” thinking it would be so fabulous to step into a new focus with all things glittery, sparkly, smoothing with ease and oh, so delightful? I think I have had this practice for nineteen years. You wold think by now I would understand how it works. Every single time I think it is going to be a fun and easy focus, I get my ass handed to me within a few months. This isn’t the first time I have sat myself down to work on something that I think is going to be really enlightening only to end up to be surprised or even shocked that it is downright HARD.

As you may have recalled I chose the word vulnerability because I wanted to stretch myself to learn to be okay with asking for help, feeling emotionally exposed and stepping outside of my very comfortable comfort zone. I am really good at what may be hard for some like overcoming endless obstacles in my life; raising kids basically by myself, advocating for a special needs kid, overcoming poverty, dealing with chronic pain, building a successful business, and basically creating a damn good life. But, asking for help–hell no. Being a tad bit more open about my feelings? Not likely. Doing something that isn’t in my wheelhouse regardless of the potential for failure? Umm…not.

And then I decide to go and ask the Universe to show me some chances to step into vulnerability.

Ready?

January: I do not have many classes actually in my studio much.since I am more community based, however every single studio class except one this month was cancelled due to horrible snow storms. That means that my income (which in my world equates to safety), was down a bunch. Plus since we have had frequent snow storms commuting to my community based gigs has been really inconsistent. The end result meant I needed to be emotionally okay with not saving as much money as I usually do, AND having to loosen my self-subsrcibed standards that I put on myself. Feeling uncomfortable with myself is never an easy thing. But, in the end I was able to see logically that I am still okay despite a very slow month and that at the end of the day, I am more than okay regardless of how much money I save.

February: After having a total hip replacement scheduled for seven months as the days grew closer I was finding myself more and more apprehensive. My body was struggling to accept the impending surgery and I was nothing but stress. I did something I have never done in my life. I got multiple opinions on the same darn hip all with the same ambiguous answer. Uncertainty. Every doctor I saw was not too sure that replacing a perfectly health joint would in fact reduce my pain. Just a week before my surgery I did another thing I have never done before. I cancelled a medical procedure because I was tuning into my body because she was screaming alarms. The relief that overcame me when I finished the call with my super compassionate surgeon was sudden. Keeping my emotions in check and contained is how I tend to cope and overcome with my daily “stuff”, so adding this to the mix caused a slight crack in the seam. I leaked out an emotional response to the stress that shocked me. I actually cried. Yep, this stone cold faced girl shed a tear. Within an hour of cancelling the surgery, a friend of mine who I haven’t spoken to in over a year randomly texted me that she had two tickets to see Bruce Springsteen in Tulsa Oklahoma. Tulsa? Sure! He is after all the man of my dreams and so what if there would happen to be a few other people there? Bruce and I were going to connect once again. The weeks leading up to the show was a series of back and forth messages that might embarrass even the lamest of middle schoolgirls. And then, two days before the show she had a family emergency and had to cancel. This left me with two choices–not go, or go alone. Going alone meant a 24 hour period of solitude amongst crazy fellow fans in a strange city, plus a winter storm brewing that would cause me to have to make some quick adjustments to my travel plans late in the game. All while doing this alone. I will say that it was indeed the best 24 hours of my adult life and I truly had the time of my life. Alone. Sure, I had to overcome asking for help many many times, changing flights (twice), getting dropped off at the wrong Hyatt hotel, and sitting at the bar alone with many fun, yet strange people. Have I mentioned alone?

March: The days following when I was riding the Bruce concert waves of joy I got a text from my car dealer guy who has been on the hunt for a Jeep Wrangler for me. I was certain that I wanted one but I was also fairly certain that I wasn’t going to really be able to wrap my head around having two cars–one for function and one for fun. For this relatively simple girl the overconsumption of having two cars seemed so strange, and so unfamiliar. There was a time in my life where it was a struggle to pay for one car, let alone two. In fact, this gal was once one who would eat whatever the kids left on their plate because the grocery budget was so tight. To get to a place of being able to legitimately on my own have two cars seemed so scary. Somehow despite my apprehension I was ready. I walked in and bought the beauty. Then within a couple days of buying her I fall so brutally sick that I have to cancel the knee scope that I had scheduled and I wasn’t even able to drive it. Instead, I spent a couple days of relying on others to do the basic of things. Accepting packets of gatorade from neighbors and eyeballing the beautiful Jeep without any energy to go drive her was grueling. Probably accepting help was the hardest.

And yet here I am. All in one piece. The surgery is rescheduled, the Jeep is perfect, the next series of studio classes are scheduled, spring in Colorado is coming, I have fond memories of my time in Tulsa, and I have survived it all.

I have realized in the short nine weeks of 2023 that I can be vulnerable, and have a grand time doing it. I have realized that no matter what the Universe challenges me with, these little feats of courage are only building an even stronger and more resilient woman.

Now the biggest hurdle is…. what do I name my Jeep?

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The Invitation

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In these uncertain times I find myself longing for what I know and for what brings me a sense of feeling grounded. For many years I come back time and time again to this poem. I share it with those who I know are willing to meet me in the space of vulnerability and see me from the heart of compassion. For me this poem invites me into myself and reveals the truths of who I am, or who I strive to be.

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

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Simply a Reflection

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The beauty you see in me is a reflection of you.

rumi

Tell me what do you love or admire about yourself?

I asked this question in all of my adaptive and traditional Yoga classes last week as we delved into the idea of Self-Love. The answers often are so sad when it comes to my students with brain injuries. You see these people have lost what most of us value and are having to rediscover the aspects of themself that they actually like. Most have lost their livelihood, their purpose, their families, their independence, their freedom to come and go, and oso much more. When they look in the mirror they often see the challenges and the impact of the injury so finding the qualities within can usually be really challenging. I also have enjoyed asking my group of students that are all over the age of 85 and living in assisted living. I am startled that so few of them can proclaim something that they love about themselves. Perhaps it is a generational thing where they didn’t spend as much time as younger people these days who seem consumed with the Self.

The answer seem to be so hard for them to find.

I ask the question anyway and the answer is usually that they are blank on what they love about themselves.

I keep asking, though.

On one particular day in a class that included a range of ages and abilities, I asked a woman living with a brain injury who is close to my age and is often very down on herself the question. When I asked her what she liked about herself her eyes dropped down to the ground and she quietly said, “nothing”. She was hunched over with her arms on her legs looking so hopeless and sad. This woman is so kind, so willing, so sweet and is so beautiful.

I knelt down so that I was in her eye gaze and asked again. And again, I got the same response.

I knew that I was about to open a beautiful can of worms and an opportunity to teach exactly what Rumi was saying.

I turned the question around. I asked this woman what she liked about me. She looked at me and easily said, “You are brave, and strong and so beautiful”.

We smiled at each other and I looked into her eyes.

My response was this—I am simply a reflection of you. What exists in me is also in you otherwise you would not recognize it. We are indeed a mirror reflection of each other.

She sat tall and said, “really?” Yes my sweet friend, really.

I learned this concept many years ago and try to always remember it, especially when I am with someone who feels that they are not enough or someone who struggles with identifying what makes them special. I ask them to think about someone they admire and what qualities do they see in them that they like? It is those qualities that also exist in ourselves.

Consider that. What you see in others exists in you. Kindness, integrity, compassion, love, bravery, beauty, honesty, humor, etc. If it was not part of you and familiar, you would not recognize it.

The tricky and often sticky part about this is that when we also see a quality within others that we find less appealing, it is because that too is familiar in us. When this happens to me I say, “ahhhhhh yes, there you are to remind me what I am here to work on”.

When we stumble through those ordinary days of self doubt and wondering what is really good about ourselves this can be an amazing concept to return to. When we feel burdened by life’s hardness and separate from the ideals in which the world has attempted to create, and we feel so less than, simply look into the eyes of someone you admire and know that the only way you can see those qualities is because they also exist in you.

It is familiar. It is a mirror reflection of yourself.

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Gratitude = Joy

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It’s not joy that makes us grateful, it’s gratitude that makes us joyful.

Brené Brown

Think about that. So often we misunderstand that if we had all the things and our life is packed with goodness, we would then be grateful.

Actually it is not that way.

I have read and even taken a course with Brené Brown and yet I still continue to learn and soak in more every time I hear her speak.

Last night I was watching a talk she gave to teachers and other leaders. She was describing what happens when we think that we cannot be happy with what we have and we are constantly seeking joy through external things. We have all heard “when I take that vacation” or “if I could have that ____”, then my life would be good. This is called scarcity thinking. Scarcity thinning is when we think what we have is not enough or what we have will be taken from us.

Huh.

Years ago I had that mindset. Thankfully through the work I’ve done I no longer have that reaching for something. If a moment sneaks up on me and I do start to feel that what I have isn’t enough, I just have to go to my office and grab one of EIGHTEEN years worth of gratitude journals to see that my life is really quite full.

For some a gratitude journal feels daunting. That’s okay. There are countless ways to cultivate a genuine gratitude practice. Here are some great ideas:

  • pause before eating to recognize all that took place to bring you that plate of food
  • step outside and look at the sky and just breathe for two to three minutes
  • look at a stranger through the eyes of peace
  • say thank you throughout the day as doors get opened, people say hello, words are exchanged
  • smile more
  • before you begin your busy day sit for five minutes and gaze around your space and not see the tasks undone, but see instead your roof, your furniture, your safety
  • exchange gratitudes of the day with your family or friends before eating

Research shows that with a genuine gratitude practice, we can shift from scarcity thinking to joy. Imagine your life shifting from disappointment to deep appreciation. Think about how your relationships and business could flourish with an attitude of enough.

More than enough.

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The Way

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As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.

Rumi

Over the years I have shared my story and the path that has lead me to who I am and what I do as my purpose in the world. We all have a story that has put us on the path, or maybe you’re still seeking the path?

Here is what I know and believe wholeheartedly—the path is there, we choose to take the steps or turn away.

The way is right there. We know it in our gut, and yet like myself for many years we deny the way. We look elsewhere for love, joy, purpose, and contentment but when we take that first committed step on the path that is appearing, and despite the fear and unknown, we keep going and sure enough in time that path becomes the way.

I’m forever grateful for the hard years of my life because it led me here. I am here. I am on my way. I am.

If you’re feeling lost and without purpose or love I encourage you to stop. Close your eyes. Breathe. Listen.

You already know.

Take that first step. Open up to your life and your happiness and your purpose. It’s yours. Own it.

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