serve others

Like I Matter

/ embracingspirit / 2 Comments

Can you say that your actions give light to the darkness that others experience?

Alone somewhere in an assisted living group home sits a woman who like many I get to see had a life changing event where everything that she knew was instantly gone. She lost her family, her job, her home, and possibly her purpose.

Everyday is the same existence; eat, sleep, eat, maybe occasionally go into the community, eat, sleep, repeat. There is never a visitor and never anything that provides meaning to her day. I show up once per month to attempt some group yoga classes, however, most of the women living in this house decline to attend, except this lovely lady I will call Patricia.

On my last visit I had the opportunity to work 1:1 with her and address some of her challenges. I knew she had a painful shoulder from her accident and subsequent surgeries so I wanted to see if I could get some pain relief and mobility into her shoulder. Like all my sessions, there is a lot of dialogue and attempts to find connection. I know from my nearly two decades of teaching yoga to unique populations, the one thing that they want more than any physical practice is to feel part of something and to feel seen.

Isn’t that a universal desire? I believe our greatest human need it to simply be seen.

For the hour that we spent together, I learned about her accident and what her life was life before the event. I learned about her dreams, her mistakes, her shame and her hopes for her life. I learned what it means to her to be a mom and a grandmother. I learned that we are the same age, minus a few months difference. I learned about her hard upbringing and getting lost in her youth. I learned the details of her accident that was nearly thirty years ago.

For thirty years, Patricia has lived in this same existence. Thirty years is more than half her life. Half of her life has been lived alone, isolated, without meaning and incredibly lonely.

Towards the end of our session, I wanted to have a closer look at her shoulder and see if I would be able to get some movement and comfort into her body. I whipped out my trusted essential oil blend for pain and began to apply it slowly and gently to her arm and shoulder area. Human touch has a powerful effect and is so under implemented in our sterile world. No words were exchanged as I gently moved her arm in circles and into extension and flexion. I was careful to not do much as I did not know for sure the extent of her surgery and rehab.

I asked her, “how does that feel?”

She looked at me, and with tears in her eyes, she said, “like I matter”.

I rarely show my emotions, especially with my students. I am incredibly careful and cognizant of not coming across as a person who pities them or feels “bad” for them. That is not what they want, but her words struck my heart and tears filled my eyes instantly.

Can you imagine feeling so lonely and forgotten that simply having one person pay attention to you for thirty minutes gives you the feedback that you truly do matter?

Her answer had nothing to do with her shoulder pain and everything to do with her heart pain. I knew that in that instant, I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and she gave me such a gift that day.

I continue to think about how my actions remind people that they do matter. I get to be the giver of goodness. I get the privilege of sharing my day with them and learning how to make a difference in the lives of others.

When was the last time you felt like you matter? When was the last time you helped someone see that they matter? You just never know how your actions are influencing others. Can you say that your actions give light to the darkness that others experience?

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Losing and Lessons

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It is fair to say that every human on the planet has lost something or someone. We have all had events or people in our lives that invited us to feel loss. For some it has been the actual loss of a person, or perhaps the loss of an opportunity, or even the loss of a dream.

For this past month or so I have circled back as I do so often every year around my daughter’s birthday.

In my own process of evolving and working to be the best version of myself that I can be. I have given myself permission to feel anything and everything when it comes to her birthday. For years I stuffed the emotions that I thought some might see as an ungrateful and resentful mom. I have since learned that nobody’s opinion really matters when it comes to how I feel. My feelings are valid and real whatever they are.

I am able to now openly share with myself and others that there is indeed a loss when it comes to her.

She was born this little perfect sweet little baby girl but within a few years was identified with multiple developmental disabilities and the reality that my relationship with my only daughter was not going to be that of my friends you had a “typical” daughter. We were not going to have typical conversations and mother daughter outings. Instead, I would forever be her mode of transportation and decision maker. There would not be the moments to plan her dream wedding, but instead I would be arranging where she will live when I am too old to care for her. I wouldn’t be celebrating her college degree and career path. Instead I will be finding appropriate day programs for her to feel some resemblance of purpose and meaning in her life.

That is a huge loss.

Through the process of my wakeup years ago, I realized that within the loss is a great lesson.

I am now able to see all that I have gained. Learning to take the loss and create something amazing and powerful through the lesson of acceptance and grace has been amazing. You can hear my whole story here on this awesome podcast. I chose to accept and do something with this amazing gift I was given, through her and as her.

The point is the lesson I have learned was that life doesn’t always give us what we may see as the ideal, but if we open our hearts to seeing the lesson, it may just rock your world.

When my children’s father died in 2014 I experienced another huge life changing lesson through the process of loss. I had already lost him in many ways as we divorced when things got too much for him related to our daughter and the vastness of what our life had become. To be completely honest, he wasn’t the greatest dad and he definitely was not able to show up for himself, or the kids, however I was willing to see the lesson in his unfortunate death. One of the greatest days in my life as a mom was witnessing my boys show up for him, regardless of his inability to show up for them. You can read about that pivotal day in my life here.

When he died, he was alone. He had made decisions in the last year of his life that prompted his last few days to be that where he was not surrounded by anyone as he transitioned. The painful reality of his last few years was just too much for my kids once they had said their beautiful goodbye days before, and he was estranged from his friends and family.

That was a big loss. Not just for him, but for my children, and in a way myself.

The lesson I learned from that loss has become a huge part of my life and service work. Within a few months of his death, I had a mystical and powerful yearning to volunteer in hospice. Knowing that I had to serve those dying and that nobody should die alone became my mission.

This week, one of my yoga students whom I have been spending time with every two weeks fell gravely ill and when I arrived at his group home I was told he was intubated and in the ICU. Due to his previous injures our yoga sessions are essential me rubbing his feet and moving his paralyzed limbs. When I heard about his his current condition, it didn’t not occur to me to NOT go. I jumped in my car and off I went with my magic hands and open heart.

The smells of an ICU and the sensory overload within the space can easily overtake you, if you allow it. Tubes. Alarms. Machines. So much to be distracted by.

I walked in and he was awake but obviously unable to speak. Grabbing his hand I watched as his eyes twinkled with recognition. When I went to say goodbye a single tear fell from his eye.

All alone.

The lesson of acceptance and regardless-of-what-someone-did-or-didn’t-do-you-show-up came from those two losses in my life. I know with every fiber of my being that had my girl been born not as she was and had their father not been who he was and not died the way that he did, I would not have been there for my student, and the countless other strangers who I have had the honor to rub their feet.

I know that.

Loss? Yes, for sure.

Lesson? Absolutely.

Choose Kindness

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I have come to learn that during this season of focusing on our own goals and our own aspirations we can sometimes become consumed with ourselves.  This is not necessarily a bad thing but I have found that this time of year we can lose site of the opportunities to show kindness for someone else as we strive to close out our busy year with achieving our own goals that we may have set for ourselves.

Last week, as I was leaving a class at a senior facility I grabbed my bag and attempted to hurry out to get on with some personal errands I had to do.  I stopped for a second to say goodbye to a sweet little man who often just sits at the computer and cries.  He chooses to never participate in yoga and I rarely see him interact with anyone. Instead, he just cries. Weeps is more like it.

There was my moment to choose myself, or choose kindness.

I pulled up a chair and leaned towards him.  He wiped his tears and stuttered a bit as I sat to talk to him. Since the yoga class prior was about setting goals for growth and personal development, I asked him if he had a goal.  He very quietly whispered, “do you think it is too late to learn to read?”

He is 61 years old.  He had never learned to read.

No wonder he sits in front a computer crying until someone types into the search bar what he is looking for. I got a bit closer and pulled up an easy online reading game and together, we sounded out the letters of the alphabet and some simple words in the game. His face was beaming when he realized that he looked at a picture, a letter and a word and together “read” the word apple. He clutched at my arm and said, “I am reading”.

Five minutes of my life.

I got out of my life and my goals and gave kindness.  It really is so simple.

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