Mindfulness

Fear is Big…Clarity is Bigger

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If you’ve been following me you may have seen that I have chosen to put a little effort into being vulnerable this year. Looking at me from the distance – or sometimes even for those close to me – I appear to be unstoppable, strong, creative, successful, determined, and without a doubt a true overcomer. That is all true.

You may have also seen that I also opted to explore vulnerability in my life this year and dip my toes into a little “emotional exposure” as Brené Brown so eloquently says. Well, emotional exposure was proving to begin with a big bang.

Fear and uncertainity started to show up in big ways as soon as I declared I was ready to look vulnerability in the eye. It is one thing to feel these things, but I have a tendency to keep those big emotions to myself so the exposing of them was almost was big as feeling them.

So to be really open and honest, I have been fighting my way from slipping down into the depths of huge feelings of fear like I have never been over the last few weeks. Seems that since the declarative statement of what I was willing to improve in my life, vulnerability said “let’s just see how you can handle real big feelings”.

Thinking I am in complete readiness for my upcoming major hip overhaul, suddenly I was overcome with fear. Big time terror day after day. Waking up in the night fear. Shaking fear. Pit of the stomach fear. Gripping fear.

I told myself over and over that people get hip replacements all the time and yes most people do fine. But that is not a blanket statement my mind easily accepted. Of course we also hear about the 82 year old grandma who gets a new hip and is at the social club within a week which can make for some serious unhealthy comparison.

The fear began to battle comparison and I was questioning myself more than I ever have. Would my body and dysfunctional immune system accept the new hip? How much would my life be changed? How much will I have to rely on others to help me? How much time would I be away from work? Would I still be in pain? Would I ever be able to practice yoga the way I do? Will I get another blood clot? Will I get an infection? What if…? What if …? But what if…..? Over and over and over and over.

You see this isn’t a classic case of having bone on bone joint issue or severe arthritis. My joint is in perfect health and every doctor who has looked at the images scratches their head and wonders if that will address the pain. I have had three grueling tissue repairs on this previous hip and I still have a tremendous amount of pain and inflammation so the theory with my beloved surgeon whom I trust with my life is to remove the joint and closely surrounding tissue and give my body a clean, new joint which may greatly reduce my constant pain. The word “may” started to feel really scary as the days for closer.

I begged for silent moments of clarity. I pleaded with my conscious to give me insights. I walked and screamed at the sky to help me.

Is living in pain an option? Absolutely. Is enduring torturous fear an option? Hell no.

As I navigated this very unusual emotion over the course of the last few weeks I was startled at the physical changes that were occurring in my body. I am an incredibly steady and stable woman so to feel such intensity in an unfamiliar emotion was taking a toll. I had a racing heart all hours of the day, eating was incredibly hard, I felt like I had adrenaline running 24/7 through my veins, and I was experiencing deep pain in my belly every time I thought about laying on that stainless steel table for the 4th time. Of course the turmoil in my solar plexus was my first indication that my gut was telling me to listen. As the days ticked off I had more and more gut instinct knowing.

In my yogic thinking world what I was experiencing was a complete mind/body interaction where my intuition, or gut instinct, which is essentially our solar plexus where decisions are made and our personal power is being stoked like a fire. Feeling my personal power escape my body while making a life altering decision was sending my body into real time horror.

What if I chose to not listen to the language my body was speaking? What if I opted to ignore the screaming inside my body to pause and ask more questions? Despite the four second opinions there was still so much uncertainty about if this was truly the right direction to take, and yet my instinct knew it was not.

The moment that I stepped into my personal power and reclaimed clarity, it all stopped. I felt lighter. I felt myself gather up all that I know and feel about myself and feel empowered with clarity and much needed hope. A conversation with my surgeon late in the day where he reassured me that it was indeed a good decision to wait validated for me what I already knew.

I think we all have the capacity to know what our bodies need. We may not know the details to a solution like a complex surgery or diagnosis, but we do know when something feels off. We do know when our personal power is being threatened. We do know when we are right.

Vulnerability knocked on my door hard these first thirteen days of the year. But I welcomed her as a messenger and proudly reached out to a handful of safe people to pour my heart out. I revealed my fears and uncertainties. I spoke my vulnerability.

And when I did, sure enough clarity overtook fear.

I learned so much over the last few weeks about the subtle and not so subtle ways our body speaks to us, and that when we don’t feel something is right, to listen and then talk about it. Our voice is powerful and like anything, the more we do it the easier it becomes.

The hip surgery is on hold. Maybe forever but for sure in the near future. I am going to focus on the needs of my body that are determined with certainty like a quick knee scope, addressing some back issues with natural options and getting even healthier and stronger than I am—mind, body and spirit. Maybe the ol’ hip will calm itself down and all will be well.

Yay for vulnerability….round one complete.

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Word 2023 — Vulnerability

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If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it. – Brené Brown

It is not like I didn’t know this. I mean, I took a semester long course with Brené Brown and stepped into the world of Daring Greatly and succeeded on many levels. And it’s not like I have not practiced being vulnerable—I left a toxic relationship, quit my job to pursue my passion, bought a house knowing it is all on me and more. I nailed it and became super empowered in the process.

Vulnerability seemed to be a thing I thrive at. Give me a life altering challenge and I will without a doubt do well. But is that really all vulnerability is?

According to Brené vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

Huh.

For the last couple months I have been listening to these little soul taps to look under vulnerability. To take a closer look that isn’t about becoming a badass and destroying a challenge. There was a whispering of something softer and different.

And also incredibly scary. I denied those little whispers and wanted desperately to choose a word that was easier and likely something I am already good at.

Seems to me I am able to easily handle uncertainty and risk on some levels but emotional exposure—never.

Maybe it’s my tendency to lean towards Capricorn strength and tenacity while also being a fiery redhead that gives me an unstoppable approach to life’s challenges. I don’t think raising three kids successfully alone could have been achieved any other way, but this is deeper than action. This is way deeper.

Control has always been something that brings me safety. Controlling my environment and the people I let in. Controlling my business and finances with a sharp eye. Controlling my physical health despite lots of pain by working my body to its best health. Controlling my emotions by not putting myself into situations where I might cry (or laugh). Controlling what I need by never asking for help. Exhausting maybe?

Huh.

That all sounds like emotional exposure. Doing something anyway not knowing what the response or outcome might be. Sticking my neck out and hoping for the best.

Being seen.

This is about not just being seen for what I have overcome or what I do. It will require me to being willing to reveal parts of myself that are tucked safely deep down and to do what is uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone.

I did a little exercise in my journal over the last week and here is how I see it:

Vulnerability is—
Vulnerability feels like—
Vulnerability looks like—

Vulnerability is —failing, making a mistake, exposing myself publicly, crying, screwing up, feeling scolded, asking for help, not perfecting something, feeling needy or dependent on others, asking for what I need or want and feeling out of control.

Vulnerability feels like—crushing sensation in chest, upset stomach, short breath, panic to flee, racing heart, avoidance.

Vulnerability looks like— finishing and publishing the book that has been written, asking for help, receiving help, communicating openly with others, asking to be on more podcasts, letting go of some of my high self standards (not failing), finding resolution and peace with pain, being okay with my emotions and letting my emotions be seen.

For 2023 I give myself permission to fail or to succeed. I give myself permission to not do it all alone. I give myself permission to reveal and unfold in a way that stays in alignment with my soul but also welcomes risk. I give myself permission to be seen.

Truly seen.

Emotionally exposed with risk and uncertainty.

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Word 2022 in Review (Deliberate)

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Deliberate is defined as done consciously and intentionally.

I chose DELIBERATE as my word for 2022 because I wanted to be more in tune with the choices I was making and what I was saying yes to. It has become a it overused to say “boundaries” and I wanted a softer approach to how I began to create some space in my life. I opted to think of my choices as filling the margins rather than having boundaries around my time or myself. I knew that after my previous year of refining my life I was ready to take it to the next level with pausing before I said yes to anything, and also being very intentional with my communication.

Early in the year I decided to carve out Friday as my day to only choose things that led to life I was trying to create. Previously I had a tendency to say yes to everything and everyone except myself which led to me often feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and at times resentful.

I am amazed at how setting an intention, pausing before saying yes and acting with a more conscious approach to life has become now a lifestyle. Of all the years I have been choosing a single word (about 18), this one had the most evident change in several different areas of my life.

Of course one of the biggest changes to my life was choosing that one day a week to be fully aware of what I put into the margins of my day. However, there were subtle changes to my style of communicating with others, especially under emotional strain. I took the same principle of pausing before speaking and the results were a much more peaceful commutation style and way more listening happening. I found that by slowing down I was able to clearly communicate my feelings and needs without sounded ungrateful or demanding. This was across people and situations. It was really amazing to see the shift in my communication enhancing my relationships.

I also found that as I commuted twice a week, driving sometimes up to 300 miles, I was very deliberate on the road and it became a very calm, focused almost meditation. The results were that as I became more intentional of my own driving, I was far less reactive to other peoples. This created delightful drives to work and I entered into my job with a very peaceful state.

As I flip back through my planner for the year I smile as I see how many great things happened on Fridays. Some of the adventures included:

•picking up golf clubs again and doing surprisingly well!

•hiking in my old favorite spots and rediscovering some of my old trails.

•lingering coffee shop dates alone where I could write or think or simply enjoy my coffee.

•mastering a pull up and a chin up became a late in the year goal and I claimed it! So fun!

•reading books during the day instead of just before bed where I usually read only a sentence or two before my eyes became too heavy.

•crocheting a few easy hats for myself and others is a great happy hour at home pastime.

•miles and miles of walks filled each day but I was able to log longer ones on Fridays.

•developing a deeper yoga practice was important to me this year and I found having a little more time allowed me to linger a bit on my mat.

•cultivating an amazing garden has been a pleasure of mine for years and each year it gets better! Fridays were weeding days and it is so soulful.

•massages are so important for my wellness and I found Friday afternoons to be the prime time for getting one.

•strength training became a must-do habit and I could not be more thrilled. I am so much stronger and have successfully achieved a pull up! I will never not life weights again.

I am so proud of myself for making this word stick and for the essence of what it means to be deliberate and to have it become a habit. I am way more balanced and definitely happier. I intend to continue my deliberate Fridays into next year and beyond.

Did you choose a word for your year? How did it play out in your world?

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Winter Solstice

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Breathe.

A day to pause.

The word “solstice,” in Latin, means sun standing still, so in a sense, we could say the soul stands still on the solstice—maybe even long enough for you to catch a glimpse of it, as some legends say you can at this divine time of year. The darkest night contains the most magnetic power, too; this is a time to draw forth what you want, to incubate your best intentions.

As you enjoy the longest night and the brightest lights of the season, please remember this: your soul is the light of the world. You carry the light within you. You shine.

We cannot change the fact that life has heartbreaking challenges any more than we can change that winter has storms. Viktor Frankl wrote in his quintessential book, Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves.”

When we or someone we love are in a storm, try to recognize the good alongside the bad, and find your inner resilience.

Breathe.

Light always returns. Light is always there.

Competition

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I recently shared my strengths according to Gallup Strengths Finder and am still digging into that theme a bit. I loved learning my too strengths, but I was also fascinated to learn my bottom ones also. Competition is the second to the bottom strength! This means competition is pretty irrelevant to me and my life.

Competition is very low in my skill set personally and professionally. That is not a good thing or a bad thing, it just reinforces my top strengths. I highly recommend taking the strengths finder test if your curious how it impacts your personal and business life.

I did some digging on competition and found some fascinating thing. Harvard business review says this about competition-

While it can sometimes be productive, too often it is actually destructive to your overall goals. That’s why people who don’t have as much of a heart to compete have advantages in life and the opportunity to be more successful.

Non competing individuals are more motivated than most of the people around them.

Here is why:

•They aren’t as ego-driven.
People who compete often do so in large part to satisfy their egos. If you don’t have the heart to compete, then most likely you don’t have a big ego.

•They’re less stressed.
Competition in life adds a lot of unneeded frustration. If you’re not obsessed with competing, you’re largely free of that stress. That frustration is an almost overwhelmingly negative influence on your sense of self.

•They’re calmer.
A sense of calm comes over those who don’t endlessly think about how they’re going to get ahead in races of all kinds.

•They wish success on others.
The person who doesn’t obsess about competition often wants others to find success as well as themselves. What’s so great about that is how success begets success.

•They believe success can be shared.
Competitions are almost always win-lose situations. People who don’t want competition in their lives tend to believe in win-win scenarios. Instead of looking for ways they can outsmart their opponent, they search for methods to team up with them and overcome whatever obstacle that they face together instead of apart. By doing that, they double the chance for success.

•They have inner peace.
Obsession is unhealthy, whereas peace is just around the corner once you remove competition from the equation. By focusing on improving yourself instead of beating others, you are well on your way to the inner peace everyone craves, even if some of them don’t know it.

I’m telling you, learning about your strengths can lead to so much understanding in your relationships and professional life. I am so grateful I know these things about myself because I am able to see that I am unique and while others around me may be fed by competition I don’t have to try to fit in. I can be me and I can support them as they are then. Cool, huh?

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Morning Ritual

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Many years ago I would get out of bed and just start “doing”…. I was asleep living my life and just going through the motions of existing.

Then I started a ritual of being quiet and still. I made a commitment to getting up a little earlier before the house woke up and began making time for myself. I say this a lot, but when I WOKE UP to living, I became a better person. Part of the waking up process was cultivating a morning ritual.

The results were amazing. I yelled less, I reacted less, I was angry less, and I was peeling off all the garbage I had accumulated through my life. It was clear to me that anger can erode every cell of your being and I was a perfect example of what that looked like.

I was toxic mess in every aspect of my life. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. A toxic, heavy mess.

And then I began this simple morning ritual. I started the great wake up. The rest is history ?

I usually take 30 minutes to do some of these things before the day gets busy. I am a big intention for the day person and I almost always pull a positive card that gives me something to think about throughout the day. I note all the goodness in my life and welcome in the day with an open heart. After this part of my morning is complete and my spirit is cared for, I go and take care of my physical body with movement.

Once I have had a little time for myself I can be ready to give to others. You know the old saying you cannot pour from an empty cup.

What’s your morning routine like?

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Release

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It is crazy to think that we truly are in the final months of the year. While it is a time for celebrations, gatherings and gift-giving it is also a time to complete the inward cycle. With winter solstice coming this month it is a time when we complete our inward look, release what no longer serves us, and step back into the light. It is when we begins to emerge from our inner landscape to reveal a fresh, new season of growth. Crazy to think that winter is a time for that but in the solstice world after the beautiful pause and standing still of winter solstice where everything stops, the days begin to get longer as light returns.

I have used this blend for many years during this month as I am intentional about releasing the years baggage that holds me back; fears, worthiness, vulnerabilities and more. I use this blend before meditation and before sleep to facilitate a letting go so that when the month is over, I am a clean slate ready to walk into a new year.

Read on as to why I chose these oils and crystals-

Thyme —empties the soul of negativity, leaves the heart open wide. This oil helps with emotional release.

Lemongrass is the oil of cleansing. It helps us let go of toxic energy and negativity. It helps release limiting beliefs. It allows us to move past old trauma and to gain clarity to move forward.

Cypress is the oil of motion. Ever feel stuck? Cypress will help you let go of worry and the need for control, and help you have trust in the flow of life. It will help with getting unstuck and moving forward.

Peppermint is the oil of a buoyant heart. It is a very invigorating oil to both mind and body. It is an encouraging oil that helps us rediscover the joy of life and being alive!

Basil essential oil is helpful in dealing with feelings of anxiety, panic, or apprehension, and has been said to be the oil of “renewal”, both emotionally and spiritually. It provides strength and tranquility to the heart and mind, making it perfect for overwhelm, stress, fatigue, and may even assist a person in their efforts to overcome addiction–which makes it a great choice for overcoming ruminating thoughts and self-sabotaging behaviors that often result from toxic relationships

Cedarwood oil is a great oil for times of crisis or sudden change, such as when there is an adjustment in households, jobs, and/or relationships. These events often lead to feeling isolated or knocked off balance. Cedarwood provides feelings of stability and grounding when external circumstances threaten your feelings of stability. It also helps lessen fears that deter your ability to realize your potential.

Bergamot helps us transfer love back to ourselves. We can be so fixated on wanting other people to make us happy that we forget we can do that for ourselves. Bergamot is uplifting, has natural anti-depressant properties, and helps us to relax and regain self-confidence again. Bergamot oil helps us in the areas of self-love, self-worth, self-acceptance, self-judgment, and self-loathing. It instills validation within, allowing us to accept our own authenticity, and not spend so much time worrying about the opinions of others.

Frankincense In addition to alleviating and eliminating depression, Frankincense is known as the “Oil of Truth”, revealing deceptiveness and false truths. It invites the individual to let go of lower vibrations, insults, and negativity. This oil helps create new perspectives based on integrity and enlightenment. Frankincense is also is a powerful cleanser of the spirit. It assists in removing malevolent energies attached to a person, allowing them to open to enlightenment. It addresses the emotions of abandonment and spiritual disconnectedness and releases them.

Lemon In addition to its bright aroma, lemon is also a great cleanser and purifier. This is a perfect choice to bring clarity, focus and brightness to the end of the year.

Smokey Quartz–The Smoky Quartz crystal is a grounding stone known for its ability to help you move on from difficult or painful experiences. It guides you to a higher state of being, a place where you can let go of the past and welcome in the future.

Not only does it smell heavenly it is powerful in it ability to shift emotions. Ready to try it?

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Belonging

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I was sipping my coffee this morning while reading Atlas of the Heart written by Brene Brown and was captured by this quote.

When I ventured out into the yoga world as a teacher I spent a few years trying to “fit in” to the culture of what I thought a yoga teacher was. I played the role and yet it never felt authentic.

As I gained confidence in myself and began to return home to my heart and found the deepest values that I hold dear to myself as a human, I stepped into my authentic self and realized belonging begins with me. I no longer strive to “fit in” or become someone I am not.

Instead, I am me. And I am outspoken and an advocate for others and I teach yoga from my heart, not from a book or a culture that promotes “perfection”.

I sat with a student yesterday who desperately wants to return home to her daughter but has no direction or plan to get there. She struggles with daily independent living and needs support to do the little things most of us overlook. The desperation in her eyes to find her purpose, to work and feel valued, and ultimately return to being a mom shook me. As I listened and reminded her that she has human rights to become her dreams and ambitions I realized that there I was living in my values. I was showing her what belonging means and in no way was I worried about what yoga is “supposed” to be.

Our yoga was pure union. Her and I were in union. I was in union with myself. And she was demonstrating grit in wanting to find her wholeness again and to find that belonging within herself.

That was my spiritual practice of belonging.

Dedication and Release

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Last fall I started to increase my daily steps from an average of 18,000 (ish) a day to above 20,000. By mid spring and early summer I was hitting more like 25,000 steps a DAY walking. Many days l topped 30,00 steps and sometimes that was multiple days in a row.

I sustained that number for nearly 10 months and I am realizing a couple things by walking that many steps per day.

1) it takes on average 2.5 hours a day of deliberate walking to sustain that amount. I love walking probably more than anyone but giving up over two hours a day of my work and family life to reach that goal has been a lot.

2) I feel the same whether I walk 15,000 steps or 23,000. My body literally feels the same. Is more always better?

3) I let several balls drop these last 10 months. Some of them needed to be dropped but others have felt the impact of me not having that extra hour to give. I try to work while I walk—listen to podcasts, plan lessons, write blogs posts but the truth is while I am excellent at multitasking, is multitasking excellent for me?

4) Other areas of my life have been left dry because of my lack of attention to them while I have focused on steps. Meal prep, social connection, down time to name a few. It’s basically really hard to work full time, commute hours at a time and still find 2-4 hours a day to walk two to four hours a day that and strength train multiple times a week.

I was planning to finish this year with the same tenacity but my heart is saying to let it go. My body has trimmed up and toned up. I am leaner than I have ever been in my adult life. But, it’s time to celebrate ten months of incredible dedication and now, stop. Breathe. Let it go. Release the grip. Walk when I want to walk. Unroll a yoga mat instead. Read a book. Sit.

I am so proud of my body. So proud of all she has overcome. I will never take for granted a mile or a even a step again.

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The Honeysuckle

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This little lady gave me quite a smile this morning when I sat out on my back porch for coffee. The color! This beautiful honeysuckle was a last minute purchase about a month ago since the gardening season is just about over here in Colorado. When I walk between classes near one of the group homes I teach at there is a house with a few growing along the fence and I decided I needed one. ?

I didn’t realize that honeysuckles can be so pink in color—I have only seen yellow or orange ones, and I didn’t know they would keep blooming past springtime.

I did some digging and this is what I found out about them—

The honeysuckle is a symbol of pure happiness. In addition, it conveys messages of sweetness and affection, thanks to the sweet smelling aroma it gives off. At its heaviest interpretation, the honeysuckle represents the flames of love, and the tenderness for love that has been lost. The honeysuckle will literally cling to whatever it is growing next to, resembling a lover’s embrace, and therefore giving the appropriate symbolism.

Honeysuckle can be used for abundance, learning, concentration, affection, protection, devoted love, wishes, wealth, intuition, clarity, clairvoyance, fidelity, attraction, divination, physical ability, prosperity, secrets, calm, change, confidence, creativity, the mind, peace, generosity, destiny, breaking hexes, honesty, inspiration, and balance.

I’ll take it! What a sweet surprise!

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